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Urgent advice required - University student disciplinary and precautionary measures

msapong

Hi everyone,

I’m new here and wanted to introduce myself and ask for some guidance. I’m a parent of an autistic young adult, and my wife and I, his parents, are trying to support him through a very stressful situation at university. None of us are autistic ourselves, and we’re realising how much we still have to learn about autistic experience, rights and what good support should look like.

Our son is a student at university and is currently facing disciplinary action and precautionary restrictions that are having a big impact on his studies, mental health and sense of safety. The university has acknowledged that his disability may be relevant to what’s happening and has even mentioned the possibility of bias because of his race and size, but it still feels as though he is being viewed as a “risk” rather than as a young autistic person who needs understanding and reasonable adjustments. We are trying to advocate for him and seek some sense of justice, but the process is confusing, intimidating and emotionally draining.

This is taking a toll on the whole family. We’re constantly worried about his future, his wellbeing and whether he will be pushed out of education. At the same time, we’re trying to keep on top of letters, policies, appeal deadlines and legal advice. Some days we feel focused and determined; other days we feel overwhelmed, stuck, and unsure what to do next. We know we need support and better information, but it’s hard to know where to start or who to trust.

What we’re hoping to find here is:

  • Advice or signposting from autistic adults, parents and carers who have been through university or college disciplinary processes
  • Experiences of dealing with institutions that say they are inclusive, but where autistic people still end up feeling unsafe, misunderstood or unfairly treated
  • Suggestions for organisations, resources or strategies that helped you with advocacy, reasonable adjustments or challenging discrimination
  • Ideas on how to look after yourself and your family emotionally while you’re fighting for a young person in a stressful, often adversarial system

We’re not looking for legal or medical advice – we understand that needs to come from professionals – but we would really value lived experience, practical tips and honest reflections. Right now, we feel quite isolated and worried, and we’re hoping this community might be somewhere we can learn, listen, and feel a bit less alone while we try to support our son.

Thank you for reading, and for any thoughts, experiences or resources you’re willing to share.

 

Parents

  • Why is your son struggling at university? Do they like the course?

  • in reply to RachelO

    Yes, he likes the course very much. He does not understand transgender issues very well and can be quite blunt in his statements. I guess that what being autistic comes with

  • in reply to msapong
    1. Apologies, clearly hit send prematurely there. I assume there is no NDAS or Neurodivergent specific team at this University? You would of thought had there of been you would have already been referred, but also that the problems you are experiencing would not be taking place as bluntness is not just a ‘side affect’ or ‘trait’ as some people like to presume, it is simply a response to how your child’s brain processes information and context. I would very strongly argue that any disciplinary action brought against this is disability discrimination!! Uneducated authority figures tend to confuse having autism with having the confidence to outright say controversial opinions. Whilst perhaps still controversial, we completely lack the social queue tools that tell neurotypicals to keep quiet or not ask questions especially when something may seem irrational or illogical to us. I have faced many issues at university where me merely trying to rationalise or understand a concept has been accused of argumentative or a cause for disciplinary action. Luckily ( though not until the age of 22 ) a member of staff flagged it up as potentially autistic traits instead of rudeness, and I recieved my diagnosis and a few well deserved apologies from the university. If there is no NDAS specific team at your child’s university, I’d recommend researching if any of the surrounding universities have one, or any near organisation where you could attain a supporting letter acknowledging these autistic characteristics as symptoms of a veye real disability. From experience, though it sounds like you very much are already on their side! I think the most important thing that supported me during these issues was parents who advocated for me and constantly reminded me it was not my fault, and that i was not a bad person. I think being misunderstood and autistic grows worse with age, as authority figures start moving away from ‘they’re young and don’t know better but nonetheless need to be taught a lesson’ to ‘you’re at an age now where you should know better and thus you just are not a nice individual’. It doesn’t get easier trying to navigate how to explain to someone you not did not mean to cause any harm when you also cannot mentally comprehend the harm you have caused. Hope they start to find it easier! Unfortunately being misunderstood carries on out of university into the workplace and to a certain extent acceptance in it (whilst incredibly unjust) is kindest for us, as it’s important to learn to pick your battles as some people regardless of support plans or disability adjustments will only see what they want to see and it only harms us constantly trying to bend to be accepted or understood! 
Reply
  • in reply to msapong
    1. Apologies, clearly hit send prematurely there. I assume there is no NDAS or Neurodivergent specific team at this University? You would of thought had there of been you would have already been referred, but also that the problems you are experiencing would not be taking place as bluntness is not just a ‘side affect’ or ‘trait’ as some people like to presume, it is simply a response to how your child’s brain processes information and context. I would very strongly argue that any disciplinary action brought against this is disability discrimination!! Uneducated authority figures tend to confuse having autism with having the confidence to outright say controversial opinions. Whilst perhaps still controversial, we completely lack the social queue tools that tell neurotypicals to keep quiet or not ask questions especially when something may seem irrational or illogical to us. I have faced many issues at university where me merely trying to rationalise or understand a concept has been accused of argumentative or a cause for disciplinary action. Luckily ( though not until the age of 22 ) a member of staff flagged it up as potentially autistic traits instead of rudeness, and I recieved my diagnosis and a few well deserved apologies from the university. If there is no NDAS specific team at your child’s university, I’d recommend researching if any of the surrounding universities have one, or any near organisation where you could attain a supporting letter acknowledging these autistic characteristics as symptoms of a veye real disability. From experience, though it sounds like you very much are already on their side! I think the most important thing that supported me during these issues was parents who advocated for me and constantly reminded me it was not my fault, and that i was not a bad person. I think being misunderstood and autistic grows worse with age, as authority figures start moving away from ‘they’re young and don’t know better but nonetheless need to be taught a lesson’ to ‘you’re at an age now where you should know better and thus you just are not a nice individual’. It doesn’t get easier trying to navigate how to explain to someone you not did not mean to cause any harm when you also cannot mentally comprehend the harm you have caused. Hope they start to find it easier! Unfortunately being misunderstood carries on out of university into the workplace and to a certain extent acceptance in it (whilst incredibly unjust) is kindest for us, as it’s important to learn to pick your battles as some people regardless of support plans or disability adjustments will only see what they want to see and it only harms us constantly trying to bend to be accepted or understood! 
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