I will keep this as short as possible , im not after any sympathy but i would like to see if anyone has any logical advice please.
Some years ago my son was diagnosed with aspergers. Jokingly he said i should fill in an AQ50 and i did , i scored 46 out of 50 . since then i have had to do 2 more and scored the same each time . So i figured i would speak to a doctor concerning it , i was put forward on the NHS waiting list for an autism assessment . fast forward 4 years and i was still on the list waiting . My son started dating an autistic girl who told me about right to choose and i moved to one of the right to choose options i have been waiting 5 months now and there wait lists are approximately 5-9 months so i'm hoping for my assessment very soon .
Since that time my marriage has fallen apart and none of my 3 children want to know me i have 1 friend who i just greet and ask how they are by message every few weeks , none of my family speak to me. Due to offending people ive had to move multiple times as i got myself or those around in trouble ( unintentionally ) . Its got to the point that unless a wonderful person i recently met was helping me i would still be rough sleeping .
Here are my behavioural patterns and habits as ive examined them since i found out im very likely autistic , if anyone has the same issues and any advice on how to modify / survive i would really appreciate it .
I have been told i have extreme black and white thinking, For instance if someone lets me down or is late 2 or 3 times i will tell them we wont speak again , i also do this in any relationships ive been in i just see it as a natural way to remove people who waste my time or cause me stress. in the relationship with my ex wife we had years of basically not speaking . i live to a rigid routine , i wake the same time each day and sleep the same time each day eating is the same pattern . if the pattern is broken its mentally destroying . I cannot understand facial expressions or if they are supposed to mean something so i solely focus on peoples lips if im masking looking at them . Parties, gatherings and workplaces are unbearable , i have lost every job ive ever had within 6 months to a year even if mainly i was working alone i always end up in some kind of argument and dont even know why its started . I have a place for everything and everything must be in its place . The smells and textures of certain foods make me gag. i catastrophize everything which is mentally torturing me all the time .
im currently going through the whole lcwra and pips waiting for assessments thing which in itself is constantly stressing me as they have no timeline and im stressed about the outcome . ive been in a very fortunate situation when with my family as i didnt have to work for 20 years i had the freedom to wake as early as i want to and sleep when i want not having to worry about the outside world. As ive gotten older i feel less tolerant of people and am concerned that if im forced into work i will either have a breakdown or be sacked for aggressive behaviour as i cannot tolerate the interactions that would come with it . At any time i could also become homeless again which is obviously on my mind.
At least if i can get the autism assessment done i may have some answers as to why i am the way i am . Currently my head is in a constant loop that everything will go wrong and i will still have no answers .
Any advice would be sincerely appreciated .
