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Neurotypical Wife Trying To Support My Husband

kirstya27

Hi, 

I hope this is OK for me to post here. My husband has many autistic traits and, while the NHS have said they are not going to do an assessment because they feel he is ‘high functioning’ we also can’t afford to go privately at the moment. So we are a bit stuck, and he feels a diagnosis might give him some clarity and understanding of how his mind works. 

I feel it can be really hard to support him at times, due to potential autistic burnout, different communication styles, and what I think might be helpful just not being beneficial to him. It can feel very isolating at times, and I don’t doubt it’s very difficult for him too. 

I’d really like some advice from people in a similar situation to myself, to find out what works in your relationships etc, particularly if you are navigating things with a young child or children. Ultimately I have a husband who I love and want to support, but I don’t think I’m doing the best job of that currently, so any advice or experience would be much appreciated. 

Parents

  • Same same same. My husband has just been diagnosed and it was a truly awful process so I really feel for you. Thankfully we were able to afford going private but only with help from family. If you're not getting anywhere with the GP surgery, you could try writing to them and requesting an assessment, making a complaint to them or contacting CQC? Regardless of whether he's 'high functioning', he needs to know! That's awful practice. 

    I feel the same, like I'm doing a really bad job in being there for him. But in reality I'm sure you're not. It's really hard to support someone with Autism, I don't know about you but I try to help by making suggestions and that's the last thing that my husband needs - more stimulation! But it has helped talking to my husband about the things that he is finding overwhelming and talking through what we can do differently as well as what I can do differently. We have also talked about him being clearer about what he needs because he doesn't always realise what he needs and that has really helped too. For example we were going for a lot of coffees together but he was getting quite irritable when we came back so in my head I didn't think it was going for coffee because he wasn't irritable at the time, but I realised that he would go quiet when having the coffee which was the sign that it was too much for him. Now before we go out we talk about what else we've done that day and whether it's a good idea to go out, and if he's already done something that day we'll stay at home. That's working much better and it's like it's given him permission to tell me about other things that might be too much for him. 

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  • Same same same. My husband has just been diagnosed and it was a truly awful process so I really feel for you. Thankfully we were able to afford going private but only with help from family. If you're not getting anywhere with the GP surgery, you could try writing to them and requesting an assessment, making a complaint to them or contacting CQC? Regardless of whether he's 'high functioning', he needs to know! That's awful practice. 

    I feel the same, like I'm doing a really bad job in being there for him. But in reality I'm sure you're not. It's really hard to support someone with Autism, I don't know about you but I try to help by making suggestions and that's the last thing that my husband needs - more stimulation! But it has helped talking to my husband about the things that he is finding overwhelming and talking through what we can do differently as well as what I can do differently. We have also talked about him being clearer about what he needs because he doesn't always realise what he needs and that has really helped too. For example we were going for a lot of coffees together but he was getting quite irritable when we came back so in my head I didn't think it was going for coffee because he wasn't irritable at the time, but I realised that he would go quiet when having the coffee which was the sign that it was too much for him. Now before we go out we talk about what else we've done that day and whether it's a good idea to go out, and if he's already done something that day we'll stay at home. That's working much better and it's like it's given him permission to tell me about other things that might be too much for him. 

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