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Neurotypical Wife Trying To Support My Husband

kirstya27

Hi, 

I hope this is OK for me to post here. My husband has many autistic traits and, while the NHS have said they are not going to do an assessment because they feel he is ‘high functioning’ we also can’t afford to go privately at the moment. So we are a bit stuck, and he feels a diagnosis might give him some clarity and understanding of how his mind works. 

I feel it can be really hard to support him at times, due to potential autistic burnout, different communication styles, and what I think might be helpful just not being beneficial to him. It can feel very isolating at times, and I don’t doubt it’s very difficult for him too. 

I’d really like some advice from people in a similar situation to myself, to find out what works in your relationships etc, particularly if you are navigating things with a young child or children. Ultimately I have a husband who I love and want to support, but I don’t think I’m doing the best job of that currently, so any advice or experience would be much appreciated. 

Parents

  • Hello, this is really kind of you to try and support yourself and your husband it can be challenging to understand each other at times.

    I’m probably autistic (48 female) currently waiting for an assessment in the next few weeks. Autism can present slightly differently in males, however the diagnostics remain the same I think. Some things that my partner helps me with;

    Being very clear when communicating even if he feels like he’s being too direct. Like give me straight questions and answers. 

    Allowing me time to answer questions, or understanding I can’t always give an answer there and then.

    Not surprising me with plans/events. Please give me plenty of time to prepare ie no surprises.

    I have to have alone time. It’s not a choice and if I do spend the day alone it’s not you it’s that I need time to re set. 

    Literally anything sensory I will react to either in the house or outdoors. Ie TV background noise, mobile phone videos playing, random music that I have not chosen is awful for me. I’ve found wearing hats and tinted glasses plus earplugs a game changer for me. If I can block out at least one of the senses, the world is so much friendlier. 

    I’m a quiet person, but will talk anyone’s head off about topics I’m passionate about this makes me feel good. Does he have topics or passions that you can enjoy together? 

    I hope this helps and good luck on your journey Pray tone2

  • in reply to forget_me_not48

    Thank you for taking the time to reply. I appreciate all your advice. We both enjoy walking our dog and I find that we have more of a conversation when walking in nature or being outdoors, than we often do at home. 

    I think the positive intention from both of us is there, it’s just sometimes hard to navigate when managing careers, juggling life/work balance etc., which I’m sure is the same for a lot of couples. 

  • in reply to kirstya27

    Yes I can totally relate to that. By the end of the working day, I’m usually shattered and so I need to spend some alone time which doesn’t leave much time for anything else. I prefer socializing when doing something rather that chatting over coffee type things, your husband may find it easier to talk when walking the dog if the are less distractions. There are lots of good books out there too, it’s worth looking on Amazon. 

    im just wondering about the NHS refusing an assessment as they think he is high functioning. I feel this is discriminatory in a way, as high functioning doesn’t always mean the person isn’t suffering from things like burnout, sensory triggers etc. can you get a second opinion? 

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  • in reply to kirstya27

    Yes I can totally relate to that. By the end of the working day, I’m usually shattered and so I need to spend some alone time which doesn’t leave much time for anything else. I prefer socializing when doing something rather that chatting over coffee type things, your husband may find it easier to talk when walking the dog if the are less distractions. There are lots of good books out there too, it’s worth looking on Amazon. 

    im just wondering about the NHS refusing an assessment as they think he is high functioning. I feel this is discriminatory in a way, as high functioning doesn’t always mean the person isn’t suffering from things like burnout, sensory triggers etc. can you get a second opinion? 

Children