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CauliCheese Introduction

CauliCheese

I'm married to a man with High Functioning Autism, relatively recently diagnosed, and we've been together for about 10 years.

I'm trying to read up more about the subject, recently started with 22 things a woman needs to know if she loves a man with Aspergers, which was useful and allowed us to have some quite productive conversations about the situation.

I still find it terribly difficult to deal with his outbursts and temper, and he can be very hurtful to me (only verbally, he is not physically abusive), e.g. saying that I've made a "stupid suggestion" or inferrring that something is my fault. Although I'm overall quite a strong person with a good career, I'm generally quite sensitive to critism in any situtaion, so this part is very hard for me. I hate it when anyone loses their temper or shouts.

So I'm going to read more on this website and maybe another book or two. Hopefully he will get some help soon, e.g. counselling or anger management, but although he says he hopes to get help when he starts a new course at University (mature student), I'm not particularly hopeful that this will be relationship type help, rather than help he needs for his studies.

Maybe see you around on the forums...

Best Regards,

CauliCheese

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  • Former Member
    Former Member

    The attitude that the world has to accept us, exactly as we are, with no attempt to fit in with the world is, unfortunately a common approach. It is utterly wrong and destructive in my opinion. This approach leads to incessant conflict and argument. It is unnecessary and it makes the sufferers life much worse.

    Equally, if the world made no attempt to accomodate our difficulties then we would end up in the same place. A purely NT world is utterly hostile and impossible thing for us to deal with.

    The best path for me has been to do a bit on both sides of the equation. I have striven to understand the condition and to understand what i can change and where the world has to accomodate me. This is working really well although, after 3 months of postdiagnosis living i am still stubbing my toes on things which i haven't worked out yet. One of the reasons i come on this forum is that it helps me look at things and try and work out which side (or both) should move in any particular situation.

    one thing that i've understood is that i don't like to be continually reminded about things that don't matter to me. This seems like nagging and it just irritates. Having said that i am also learning to be more accomodating and i do more things without argument because i understand that my partner wants something to be done and that can be reason enough. That might sound so obvious that it shouldn't need saying but it means that i end up doing things that make no sense to me and that is a difficult thing for an aspie to do.

    on the matter of the car, if it is your car, rather than his, then simply don't let him drive it. Just say that you want it treated the way that you want it treated and if he can't do that then he can't have the keys. If it's a shared car then you may have to wait for the penny to drop about learning to make compromises.

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  • Former Member
    Former Member

    The attitude that the world has to accept us, exactly as we are, with no attempt to fit in with the world is, unfortunately a common approach. It is utterly wrong and destructive in my opinion. This approach leads to incessant conflict and argument. It is unnecessary and it makes the sufferers life much worse.

    Equally, if the world made no attempt to accomodate our difficulties then we would end up in the same place. A purely NT world is utterly hostile and impossible thing for us to deal with.

    The best path for me has been to do a bit on both sides of the equation. I have striven to understand the condition and to understand what i can change and where the world has to accomodate me. This is working really well although, after 3 months of postdiagnosis living i am still stubbing my toes on things which i haven't worked out yet. One of the reasons i come on this forum is that it helps me look at things and try and work out which side (or both) should move in any particular situation.

    one thing that i've understood is that i don't like to be continually reminded about things that don't matter to me. This seems like nagging and it just irritates. Having said that i am also learning to be more accomodating and i do more things without argument because i understand that my partner wants something to be done and that can be reason enough. That might sound so obvious that it shouldn't need saying but it means that i end up doing things that make no sense to me and that is a difficult thing for an aspie to do.

    on the matter of the car, if it is your car, rather than his, then simply don't let him drive it. Just say that you want it treated the way that you want it treated and if he can't do that then he can't have the keys. If it's a shared car then you may have to wait for the penny to drop about learning to make compromises.

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