Hi, im writing this and joined this group as i think i might have autism. Im 23 and it’s been something ive believe for a while, but ive most pushed it off and ignored it i just feel like at the moment im struggling with understanding myself and sometimes feel my brain is wired wrong. I really struggle without my set routine as i naturally just fall into having my set routine and adding new things into my routine takes time, at the moment we are having are house rewired and a new kitchen fitted and its completley throwing me off, it caused me to have a meltdown where i get extremly distressed and cry from anger and punched the wall, and i often do this when i get extremly stressed and can’t handle it. I also throughout life (especially later in life) have struggled making friends as i find it hard to relate to people and feel like i dont fit in or they dont understand me. I also struggle opening up to people and hate letting people in to my personal life as it makes me feel vunerable and exposed. I hate small talk as to me it seems pointless, as its not a deep connection and seems like something people do out of expectation rather than being meaningful. I often feel like i am performing in public and this leads me to be drained when i get home. I never really realised much but i noticed i struggle with eye contact and only really manage eye contact briefly or with people i know as it makes me feel uncomfortable. I often keep to my self and dont like doing things people my age typically do like drinking and partying and find no enjoyment in it as it doesnt bring me joy or fit in with my notmal routine. I get a lot of social anxiety especially if i have to go anywhere new and have to think about it constantly, plan it and research about the area, like looking it up on google maps etc. and often overthink and plan how it will go in fake scenarios in my head for days or weeks before. I think its be uase i hate thing i cant predict as its not routine. I also replay public conversation or event afterwards all the time. Theres so many more thing like this and it just makes me feel like im broken or defective. I often just push it away and accept its just how i am. But i think with the work getting carried out at my house really throwing me off its made me realise its not good to just ignore it. I often struggle sharing my emotions as like i said i feel like im differnt from everyone and no one understands me. I often struggle with starting and leading conversations with new pople as well. I know getting an actualy diagnosis can be a long process. Sorry if this was a long read. I guess im just looking for advice and opinions from other people with autism as maybe they also struggle with a lot of these things and can relate to me.
