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Jseymour

Hi all

I was talking with a friend of a friend who is a doctor and they uses to have a functional medicine practice and specialised in ME. She said that most of the ME women she saw were actually autistic and exhausted from masking. And I said 'but not me.. I just have ME' right? And she said 'no darling, exactly like you'. 

That was last year, I was 35 and my whole life flipped upside down. After a few weeks I realised that yes that was actually what I was, not just weird, with hard sensory issues which often made me wondered if I had OCD. I wear my pyjama top in side out because I don't like feeling the seams when I'm trying to sleep, I have to make sure the bottom sheet is completely tight without wrinkles before I can get into it. I hate social occasions unless it's one on one with my few closest friends. I can't find new pyjamas even though mine have holes because I can't find any that feel right on my body. To name a few. It's a wonder it took so long to find out I was autistic.

I now know that I have been masking through a lot of my life, and really want to work out how to not, to try and prevent the exhaustion. I have often stopped myself getting to 'into' something because I'm worried I'll become so obsessed and not be able to stop. I have absolutely no idea what an unmasked version of myself looks like or even where to begin. Not to sound too dramatic but who actually am I? What do I enjoy? I want to live authentically but honestly don't know where to start. How do you stop masking when it's the only thing iv ever done and don't even know when I'm doing it? 

Any tips would be gratefully received. 

Parents

  • Hi and welcome, I’m also a lateling, it does start us questioning who we really are. What came from my assessment was that I had built my suitable world around me, I work alone and very much enjoy the solitude, I have a wife and don’t need to mask around her. Interaction with others is still very scripted, if possible I research someone before meeting them.

    To be honest, as I get older I care less what others think of me, the realisation of autism stopped me thinking that I’m damaged or broken. I finally had an answer, I’ve spent many hours trying to workout what part of me is real, my personal view is that because we have always been autistic, we will always keep our guard up and be suspicious, it’s our defence and default setting. Most of us have struggled and still struggle with interaction and have been hurt in the past. It seems to start on the first day of school and then carry on into work.

Reply

  • Hi and welcome, I’m also a lateling, it does start us questioning who we really are. What came from my assessment was that I had built my suitable world around me, I work alone and very much enjoy the solitude, I have a wife and don’t need to mask around her. Interaction with others is still very scripted, if possible I research someone before meeting them.

    To be honest, as I get older I care less what others think of me, the realisation of autism stopped me thinking that I’m damaged or broken. I finally had an answer, I’ve spent many hours trying to workout what part of me is real, my personal view is that because we have always been autistic, we will always keep our guard up and be suspicious, it’s our defence and default setting. Most of us have struggled and still struggle with interaction and have been hurt in the past. It seems to start on the first day of school and then carry on into work.

Children
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