This is honestly a little awkward and weird for me, so please forgive if this is a bit of a rambling introduction!
I'm not officially diagnosed yet (I'm still trying to navigate what this process would look like), but when the possibility was proposed to me, I started doing research. I was honestly really resistant to the idea at first - I'm just me! I also had a really flat image in my head of what autism "should" look like. For context, I'm a female in my mid-30s. So I think even when I was younger, a lot of things got brushed off as being over-sensitive, quiet, etc. I was diagnosed as having social anxiety and panic attacks, which later I realized were largely induced by a large amount of sensory input. (I had tried explaining that - the lights were way too bright, too much noise and movement, etc.) So honestly, the more I looked into it and the different experiences people have had, it was amazing how much just sort of... clicked into place and made sense.
I'm sort of cycling through periods of different feelings with the idea. I was really angry (or something close to that, maybe more disappointed in an intensely frustrated and abandoned way) that I was dealing with these problems alone all this time and feeling like something was wrong with me for not being able to handle things, thinking I was lazy, crazy, or... I've felt excited - like maybe I can actually change something as I rediscover myself and start noticing more. Part of me is scared to pursue getting a diagnosis (among other reasons), because I'm scared that maybe I've got the wrong idea (and then how will I fix it?)
I've also felt really alone with this, which sounds crazy when I have friends and relationships with others. Honestly though, most of these are really superficial or honestly exhausting to maintain (yes, I'm that person sometimes even guessing - what's the right number of days between texting? Is it weirder if I do call with nothing particular in mind or weirder if I don't? What did they actually MEAN by that one sentence a week ago that somehow just isn't adding up in my head).
So I guess what I mean by that textbook is - I'm here to try to gain insights and maybe feel a little less isolated. I'm very happy places like this exist and it's lovely to meet you all!
