Feeling relieved, reassured, & so so angry. I was adopted to a woman who’d been told she couldn’t have children. I was born 64, she had a girl 65, a boy 67, another boy 69; when I was 5 I was big sister to 3 younger siblings. When I was 7 she started working as a nurse assistant, & then to train as a nurse; much of my childhood was spent looking after my younger siblings, cooking, caring for them. She was a narcissist, very cruel, I protected them. Me: learnt to read at 2, with my dad, while he was reading the proper Winnie the Pooh (A.A. Milne) book as a bedside story; he’d explain the words & how they were made to me (my sister was asleep), & I’d carry on reading it the next day, check it with him in the evening. At Primary school got moved up a class after 6 weeks because I’d read all the books & there was nothing for me to do; so with children a year older than me. I loved learning, loved school; home without dad was hell ( dad was in RAF, didn’t take postings overseas because he wanted his children to be at home for education, but he didn’t know how his wife behaved).
It was clear to “Mum” that I had what she called “a good brain”, when I’d been playing at being a nurse at 9, she’d said I couldn’t be, I had to be a doctor. I’d known always that I was adopted, she never let me forget it, I felt that I had to do what she wanted of me, all the time. The pressure on me was immense. At 14, at secondary school, I went into what I now know is a shutdown. There are 4 months of my life then about which I have very little recollection, it’s blank. All through my childhood, & my life, my mind has run & run, never stops; it stopped then, apart from when I needed to sleep.
I “recovered”. I know I had a constant feeling of never fitting in with anyone, & I now realise that I must have learnt how to mask from a very early age. I still loved learning, certain teachers I chimed with, one teacher I made cry, Frau Longfield, who started regaling us all with her happy memories of being in the Hitler Youth, we had a Belgian girl Karen & a French girl Helene in the class, & I told Frau Longfield that she was bang out of order. I surprised myself, the class (only 10 of us) clapped & I was so embarrassed. I got 5 As & 4Bs at GCE O level (did maths a year early), “Mum” still going on about me being a doctor, tells me to do science A levels. That’s when I started going off the boil, my heart wasn’t in it. My 6th form tutor noticed 6 months before the exams, & I told him, I didn’t choose the subjects, he was horrified.
I’m angry because all through my childhood the facade of the “happy family” covered the reality of me struggling. Our family was one of the few in which the mums & dads didn’t break up: looks good, but looks are deceptive.
I’ve struggled all my life. Yes, I mask, yes, I’ve held down jobs, have achievements that I’m proud of. But, 3 failed marriages, a son who was unfairly removed from me when he was 5, who has gone through his own mental health issues & even now, as a father himself, is still estranged from me & still struggling; & that removal was abetted by the woman whose name is on my adoption certificate.
I have a wonderful daughter who has 2 lovely boys. The eldest, I looked after when my daughter went back to work. It was seeing signs of autism in my grandson as a baby that triggered my getting tested; that, & doing numerous online psychology site tests, scoring highly. My grandson is now 12, he has his assessment in 2 weeks. Hopefully then he’ll have the support that will help him prevent a shutdown; he’s really bright, reading age of 15, but he has problems such as just not seeing the need for punctuation, so there’s zilch in his written work. Any mathematical problem, he’ll give the answer, but he cannot write down how he worked it out, because for him, why does it matter? I’m very much hoping that I’ll be able to talk with him, now I have my diagnosis; we’ve always had a close relationship, I’ve always understood him, but hopefully it will help him knowing that Nana has had the same issues. He recently said to his mum, I think my mind works differently from everyone else’s; I’ve felt that, it’s such a lonely feeling, & no, do not hug me, how does that help?
I’m with the love of my life now; after a long time on my own, which I really enjoyed, & I couldn’t see it ending, we met in 2016, & he’s even more stubborn than me, worked really hard, we married in 2018. He’s dyslexic, undiagnosed at school, 65. He takes me as I am, which is wonderful. It’s given me the strength to do things that I needed to do, cut people out that have been toxic to me & mine. My life has been a struggle, but this part of it is for rebuilding me in peace & love.
Hope all that makes sense, I’d really like to find a group local to me (Crowborough, Forest Row, Tunbridge Wells), where I could be with other adults who’ve had diagnoses after struggle & trauma in their lives.
