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Late diagnosed at 35 adrift at sea: life can only be understood backwards but must be lived forwards

theECHOINGgreen

I have recently been diagnosed with asd level 1, the diagnosis formally known as Asperger’s. I was also diagnosed with adhd. 

Maybe I’m just like my father. A thought that terrifies me. Knowing that I have autism. I am certain he does.

looking back through my life it just explains everything. 

it doesn’t help me live now though. I feel as thought I’ve been hurtling through life like a rocket and I’ve now been shot through a wormhole and I’m just floating in space on my own in the dark silence. A drift. 

I’ve always felt I didn’t fit in and tried to like things other people did to fit in and go to the pub and I drank more than I should which became my coping mechanism. 

I’ve stopped all that and I’m doing my best to ‘unmask’ but I have no one like me in my life. 

my relationship recently ended after 6 years and I’ll be at home. Alone. With no one who understands me. I don’t even understand myself. 

im terrified I’ll be alone forever, never understood and questioning if I can even love. 

my life feels ok but also nothingy. 

I came here in the hopes of finding… I don’t know, understanding, validation? To be seen? 

somewhere where I’m not called weird or asked, what’s wrong with you? 

for the most part I think I present fairly ‘normally’ but just struggle with emotions and social niceties and it exhausts me  

I’m 35 m from the midlands turning 36 soon with no kids, no partner, no real connection looking towards 40 like I’m running out of time to figure life out. 

if there are any meetups throughout the country set up by the society I’d love to hear about them. 

It’s just be nice to find a group of people who get it. 

  • Good morning from America, theECHOINGgreen,

    Welcome to the community! I’m sorry it sounds like you feel a little lost right now.

    theECHOINGgreen said:
    Maybe I’m just like my father. A thought that terrifies me. Knowing that I have autism. I am certain he does.

    I’m currently feeling that way about an uncle of mine. He was a despicable person that burned every bridge in his life in such a way that he died completely alone. I wonder if he had Autism. If so, I’m like him, aren’t I? The thing that I’ve concluded so far is that even if we have similarities biologically, I have the capacity to make different choices than him. So I will not end up exactly like him. Maybe that fact that you can make different choices than your father has can give you a little bit of solace?

    theECHOINGgreen said:
    I’ve always felt I didn’t fit in and tried to like things other people did to fit in and go to the pub and I drank more than I should which became my coping mechanism.

    That makes me wonder then, what are you interested in? What do you enjoy doing? It might just be that you don’t have anyone in the general vicinity that have similar interests, but there’s always someone in the wider world that does. I grew up in a tiny Midwest farm town of like 300 people, and because of that I had to feign interest in monster trucks, baseball, and creeking. It took branching out into different towns to find others that liked Pokémon, theater, and music. If you can’t find groups for your interests nearby, you could always try other online forums or Discord groups that support your interests.

    I hope that helps a little bit.