When my son was almost 2.5yo, the nursery principle approached us and told us he might be autistic. To our disbelieve we took him to a specialist and they said they can't really diagnose him before 36 months however they recommended us to put him in multiple classes that he can benefit in such as speech therapy, OT, ABA and so on... his mom was a super solider when taking care of him while I provided what I can to make sure he can have all of those...
When he turned 3 years old we went for the actual assessment and the doctor confirmed that he is indeed on the spectrum however he is very very smart and because of all the classes we are providing him he can be included into the society (KG) without being "Labeled"... We then had a periodic visit to the clinic just to check up on his progress however in one of these visits my wife asked the doctor "Are you talking about my son or my husband?" It was a very strange moment for me as I realized a lot of what they're discussing is present in me but I never ever considered myself being Autistic before...
I started looking it up and to my shock everything leads that I might actually be on the spectrum as well... Before going for an actual assessment I did a lot of those online tests specially the ones in "Embrace Autism" website and i literally Aced all of them, not sure if that's a good thing! a 170 on the CAT-Q, 178 on the RAADS-R and a 141 on the Aspie quiz (99% probability being autistic)... I went to an initial pre-screening but it was a general psychiatrist and not an expert in adult autism. He told me I have great eye contact and I know when to laugh and he doubts I actually have autism but he said he'll transfer me to a certified clinician regardless who can perform the actual assessment. It's going to be next week inshallah and it will give me more insight
While reading and discovering about autism in adults I came by what's called "High Masking" which can explain many things... I grew up in an Arabic country, my parents didn't believe that there is such a thing as Autism, even the arabic word for it is considered a slur, and if you know anything about Arab moms, they are TUFF... I wouldn't be surprised if I was beaten out of my stims to adhere to social norms... After a certain age, i'd say after turning 28 and failing my first marriage, i decided to self-improve and started to consume self-improvement podcasts like crazy. How to walk, how to do proper eye contact, how to know how to do small talk, how to win friends, how to make a presence, I joined a toastmaster club, increase confidence etc... but even with all of that, i still die before approaching a stranger ._.
One of the videos I saw was about unmasking and trying to be yourself... I tried that, i sat with my son who asked me to play the magnetic blocks with him, i sit on the ground and as soon as i started I became aware that I intentionally stopped myself from rocking (because i became aware after reading a lot about autism)... I allowed myself to rock, and I did rock and rock! It felt normal, it felt soothing, i started getting focused into building a boat out of these blocks, there was a different color block which i didn't have, i tried to look for it scanning the blocks with hyperfocus vision, i couldn't find it, i noticed my thumb curling and squeezing between my fingers on both hands which was new to me (or maybe i never noticed before), i couldn't find the piece and i realized i started scratching my scalp intensely, i was so focused i didn't realize my son was trying to talk to me, i didn't even bother looking him in the eyes to answer him, until my wife walked in on us and I stopped suddenly, MASK ON! this was the first time ever i was aware that i intentionally stop myself from doing "weird" things but it was such a shock to experience this... I told my wife while bursting into tears that i've been lied to all my life, i've been living a big lie and i didn't want my son to feel what I felt, honestly I don't want him to ever know he was diagnosed if he leads a successful life...
After discussing with my wife she told me that she always felt i'm "weird", she said i actually stim and one thing that weirds her out is when i push/squeeze against my eyes and head to a point it looks like i'm disfiguring my face, i guess this skipped my mask as I thought it was a normal thing... but one of her biggest flags was my shutdown/meltdown when I completely freeze and stop functioning after an argument when I expect her to know how I feel, but if I explain to her how I feel it feels like an "Imposter syndrome"... also she tells me I get tired so fast from a small task (like taking the kids to the park), I also seem to get too exhausted trying to maintain eye contact while trying to listen, specially if it was a boring conversation or small talk. My wife also told me once she wished the ground would have opened up and swallowed her when we were together with her parents in a restaurant and they ordered a lot and I said "Wow you guys must be hungry", she explained to me later that it was soooooooo rude but i thought... it was a fact? anyways, the list goes on and on but these are some from the top of my head...
So why do I feel conflicted? because I can clearly see my son being able to adapt to society and putting a label might give him an excuse to just not try harder... at the same time I know that I worked harder than anyone else to reach where I am today but it was so taxing on my mental health and relationships... After reading about high-masking I'm worried it will make me just put excuses to not try hard anymore...
I don't want to jump the gun and assume i'm 100% ASD before the actual diagnosis but it feels good to finally make sense of things and to also write about it, i didn't have anyone to talk to (no friends... shocker)... btw i'm almost 40. I hope I can integrate well here! Hello everyone.
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