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Partners son with Autism and ADHD

mike_cowell

Hello, I'm Mike and I am 34. 

I need some advice. My partners son has autism and ADHD, we have been together for a year and I am struggling a little as I still haven't been let into their lives. 

I've met him before when he was younger. I understand it's difficult and I've been so patient, trying to understand more about both cases even so that I did the open university free course's both understanding autism and ADHD. 

I am doing everything that I can to show I really want to be part of their lives. I just want to do things like shopping, sleeping in the same bed, help wrap Christmas presents and I'm ready to do couple stuff. Even with all the stress. 

She says his life is already full and can't room for anyone else. But we both really care for each other. We're so happy. 

what can I do? I really want this. She does too. But I can't see any movement and afraid it'll never change. 

  • Hello Mike and welcome to the community

    mike_cowell said:
    My partners son has autism and ADHD

    It is worth remembering that neurodivergence is most ofen inherited so there is a good chance sh is also neurodivergent, so some interactions may seem odd as a result of this

    mike_cowell said:
    She says his life is already full and can't room for anyone else

    This sounds like she is keeping you at arms length. Maybe he really struggles with change or maybe she is being really protective - or maybe she still has doubts about you. Be patient and this will reveal itself with time.

    If I were in your shoes my approach would be to find what her sons special interests are - study up on them and when you get a chance ask him to explain something about it to you - let him be the expert and listen. Don't correct him if he is wrong but show you are impressed with his knowledge and you will have a new friend.

    Be aware of your partners response to this. If she tries to separate you then I would suspect jealousy or distrust. If she supports you with the interaction then you are making progress.

    Find out what his routines are and work with these. Don't try big gestures like a trip to a theme park etc - take small steps and note the response to each and with time you can work up to bigger things with your partners support.

    In the background I would keep your focus on the partner. Ask how you can help them, maybe reduce their workload with housework so they have more time with their son and slowly integrate into their life this way.

    Keep on reading up on autism and ADHD, especially on how it will affect his school life and you can help him understand things like social interactions with patience, being open with him and helping him roleplay situations so he becomes comfortable with them.

    It is a path different to that taken by many people so long term patience is the key. Don't expect it to be like other couples I'm afraid..

    Good luck and please keep coming back here if you have specific questions you want help or input into.