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I'm doubting my autism diagnosis

sommersunshine

I was recently unofficial identified as autistic by a psychologist during a mental health needs assessment. I've noticed my autism ebs and flows over time. Sometimes I feel paralyzingly autistic, have meltdowns, sounds feel intolerably painful, and I can't stand how uncomfortable I feel to the point it severely impacts my mental health. Othertimes, I genuinely don't feel autistic at all. I socialize all day without crashing, can handle my sensory environment, etc. Othertimes I unmask and deep dive into my special interest and become "researcher autistic". Does anyone elses autism feel so different at different times? In comparison, my ADHD feels the same every day. The things that are difficult for me are always difficult for me. Maybe my frame of reference is off? Or maybe I'm sub-clinically autistic? 

Does anyone else feel this way? Is this normal? What does autism feel like for you guys? 

I've also noticed that the more I support myself and am accomidated, the less autistic I feel. Sensory supports makes socializing easier, masking doesn't feel nearly as burdensome. Is this normal? 

Parents
  • sommersunshine said:
    I've also noticed that the more I support myself and am accomidated, the less autistic I feel. Sensory supports makes socializing easier, masking doesn't feel nearly as burdensome. Is this normal? 

    I think you've hit exactly why accomodations are required, as it means we're less disabled by our traits. I'm still trying to figure out mine. 

    I'm most autistic in awkward meetings, especially when I have to talk about myself. Then I really struggle to mask it. It's funny I can look back and see this was always the case, I just didn't realise I must have looked odd to other people. But most of the time no one would know at all.

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing
    Cinnabar_wing said:
    I just didn't realise I must have looked odd to other people

    I really relate to this. Most of the time I'm not aware of how my behavior is being precieved by others until the situation is quite progressed (they yell at me, leave me, etc). I think this is another reason why it feels like my autism ebs and flows. I'm only bothered by it (socially at least) when other people respond to it. Otherwise I am my socially awkward self in peace. Another time it bothers me, though, is when I need to figure out what's happening socially (what the rules are, how someone's feeling, etc) but can’t. I find my sensory and rigidity needs pretty easy to meet because I accomidate myself thoroughly. I think if I was more aware and didn't accomidate myself as much my struggle would be more consistent. 

Reply
  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing
    Cinnabar_wing said:
    I just didn't realise I must have looked odd to other people

    I really relate to this. Most of the time I'm not aware of how my behavior is being precieved by others until the situation is quite progressed (they yell at me, leave me, etc). I think this is another reason why it feels like my autism ebs and flows. I'm only bothered by it (socially at least) when other people respond to it. Otherwise I am my socially awkward self in peace. Another time it bothers me, though, is when I need to figure out what's happening socially (what the rules are, how someone's feeling, etc) but can’t. I find my sensory and rigidity needs pretty easy to meet because I accomidate myself thoroughly. I think if I was more aware and didn't accomidate myself as much my struggle would be more consistent. 

Children
  • in reply to sommersunshine

    Yeah, I think it's when you clash it really feels like it flares up, but when you feel fine, it's not something you even notice yourself.

    I was thinking back to when my son was first evaluated by the school psychologist, and we had a meeting with him. I remember that when people were talking I was in my 'listening mode', looking away from people and playing with something in my hands. Then I could gather my thoughts and give eye contact and talk, then go back to listening mode. Here I was talking about my son potentially having it, and I must have looked so autistic myself to this psychologist as he knew what to look for. And this was years before it clicked for me!