Hi everyone,
I am new here, new to diagnosis, but not new to autism (it is my special interest). My family and inner circle are finally coming to the point where they see me as an autistic person, and actually believe me. For the first time in my life I am receiving support, accommodation, acceptance. It is wonderful. I can't believe how less stressed I am just with the support I am receiving thus far. But it also feels incredibly strange.
I have heard countless stories of people struggling to get acceptance for their autism, and struggling even more for accommodations. It feels foundational to the autistic experience, almost going so far as to be a sort of solidarity among autistic people of 'no one will understand you but I will'. I have felt that and the challenges struggles that come with it. But I'm learning that that likely won't be a part of my story forever. I will more than likely end up in the incredibly privileged, teeny tiny section of the adult autism community that receives support and is ultimately doing ok. I'm not sure what to do with that. As incredibly grateful as I am, I also feel...survivors guilt? Not autistic anymore? I have so completely synonymized being autistic with suffering that now that I'm not suffering I'm not sure what to do with this part of my autism story.
Then there's also the constant feeling of being perceived. I'm used to constantly being blamed for my autistic traits, but I'm not anymore. Instead I am met with compassion and understanding, and, for as much as I am relieved by it, it feels slightly patronizing. To be very clear, I am not complaining, because I know how unbelievably lucky I am to have any level of understanding at all. But this new level of empathy feels foreign and a little uncomfortable. I feel childish in my autistic ways of being. Like all of the expectations are off of me and I'm a 12 year old who can't be held accountable all over again. It's wonderful: I've been able to stim, unmask, take a breath. But also just strange.
Has anyone else experience this? Do you ever get used to a new way of being? Does it ever get less weird?