I've just self diagnosed as autistic today. So much has actually made sense after years of masking and feeling so lonely and depressed. I've been going through a terrible time after finding out my ex partner had been cheating on me and the truth behind our break up 4 years ago. I had been hoping her lie of wanting time and space had been true and after reaching out she admitted everything and that she is still in a relationship with the other guy.
Looking back through the autism perspective I can totally understand how it contributed to the breakdown of our 16 year relationship. She had been my safe place. I have always struggled so much socially. Shutting down in overwhelming situations, even I think going non verbal in them when pushed too far. But I felt safe with her even though I was still masking throughout scared she see me as not normal or something wrong with me. She also had mental health issues with anxiety so I had to stay strong and help her through.
I've been so totally dependent on her. Even following the break up just hoping to have the small conversations as we do the handover of the kids. But finding out the truth from her has crushed me completely leaving totally hopeless. I have no friends, no social life, no interest in anything and work remotely through choice to avoid the anxiety of the office environment.
I feel like looking into autism has explained so much but don't really know how it helps or how to cope. My obsessive imagines all the worst about my ex and her new partner. The idea of her with anybody else has always been a triggering thought. I had to hear a lot of detail early in the relationship about her sex life when her anxiety peaked which always came back to me and sent me into an internal spiral. All the things I was hoping our lives would be together. I can't stop it and am struggling.
I've been prescribed anti depressants but don't think they are doing anything to help and I just don't know what else to do. I'm very lonely and down all the time now and can't switch off my brain even waking in the middle of the night with it whirring til the alarm goes off. I'm so tired of masking and am worried my attitude may start impacting work which isn't helping my anxiety levels.
What's next? How does knowing I'm autistic help me get through the darkest part of my life.
