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Family member depressed & suspected autism - advice please!

UkSis

Hello all,

I wonder if anyone can please advise.

My brother (32) has always suffered with learning difficulties, tested for dyslexia etc as he shows heavy traits in this area. Additionally he appears to suffer with difficulties socially which have become more and more apparent as he gets older, but as far as I'm aware have never been tested (the school were primarily concerned with reading/writing presumably).

Recently I have discussed the possibility with my sister that he could be autistic, and she and her partner tend to agree.

This was no more than observation until the last few days when she contacted me to say my brother has admitted to her partner that he is becoming depressed, struggling to move on from a family bereavement (the first he experienced) 9 years ago, and doesn't feel he can talk to my parents about it. Our family is not particularly open and easy when it comes to this stuff.

This conversation took place on a trip away, where my sis' partner noticed far more autistic traits than he has before. For the sake of brevity I'll list what was noticed and what we know form previous experience:

- lives at home, spends most of the time in his room

- obsesses over gadgets, the collection of films

- does not seem to realise when a joke has gone too far or become tired, does not pick up on the rest of the group moving on from a subject of conversation or getting irrtated; butts in and tries to steer conversation back to something he knows about (always the same things) or a previous conversation long passed, and will continue to do so; responds to further conversation in the same way (as if he hasn't heard anything said to him)

- cannot let go of an idea that is wrong, i.e. if he is incorrect he disregards explanations or answers and vehemently sticks with his version, cannot adjust to new ideas in this way

- not getting the joke, or laughing something off he doesn't grasp

- does not realise when a subject or action is socially innapropriate - he seems to have learned to curb this around strangers and people he meets at work but within family and friends does not

- admits he finds group situations and social occassions difficult, clearly finds it hard to know what to talk about and keep a conversation going

- when doing something out of his comfort zone (recently travelling on a tube) continually monitoring the stops yet to be passed, how many are yet to go

- odd things, recently very obsessed with a family pet, and on ordering pizza waiting by the window to look out for it (vigil style) rather than join the family

- seems to display a speech impediment - not quite a real stutter, but a build up to entering the conversation by repeating syllables, I recognise this as imitating a couple of people from when we were younger; also when he pipes up mid conversation with something seemingly irrelevant he raises his voice to be heard above normal levels

- does not make close friends, has not had a relationship. Interestingly ok with strangers (surprisingly empathetic) but close relationships seem to be the difficulty

My concern is that his depression is exacerbated by the way his is and not knowing why, and the fact that shortly my sister and partner are due to move out (leaving him the last sibling at home - the second eldest of 4)

At present we are unsure how to go about getting him help when he is unaware his confidence has been broken (simply because th person involved didn't know what to do and was worried). I'd appreciate advice on how to handle this - sorry for the length of the message. I've no doubt that he needs to see a GP but has anyone had to raise this with someone 'out of the blue' before?

Thanks.

  • Good question.

    I think he is. or at least, the eccentricities there are in the rest of the family are not affecting anyone to a point where it is interfering with their quality of life or ability to integrate with the world and lead their own 'normal' life (whatever that is), as far as I know. I'll keep it in mind though, because I just haven't considered it before and now it's on the radar, as it were.....

    Thank you.

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    UkSis said:

    Our family is not particularly open and easy when it comes to this stuff.

    is he the only one affected in the family? It is common to identify the traits in other family members as it is often inherited. Now that i have the diagnosis, we reckon that my father, his father, his father, an aunt and an uncle were all affected. We always thought of them as eccentric and sometimes plain rude but i now find it easier to deal with them as we understand where and how the eccentricities come from.

  • Thank you - that's a really helpful response Smile

    I feel very reassured that someone else who knows more about this than me agrees that there are signs there. I really hope that ultimately (in time) this could be a liberating thing for him - I am so pleased to hear it was for you -  we just need to find the right path to get him there on his terms. I think it could also change the attitude of family and friends as well, so they get that there are reasons for his behaviour, that he's not just doing it to be annoying or hard work. 

    I don't live in the area (very far away) but I notice there's also a local support group near him which meets for drinks, and evenings out. I really hope that some time when he's ready this might be an option for him. He's lacking confidence, he's always the odd one out and perhaps this could really help, escpecially with people who understand more. He's got to move out of home over the next year or so as my parents are moving, and if he can find a network of friends that are his own this might really help him manage. 

    I am worried about him feeling ambushed, I think we may have found a way around that by going through the person he has already opened up to to introduce (as you say) autism as a possible context for what he's feeling.  

    I didn't know about the Aspergers term being more palatable, that's useful to know - I appreciate the heads up.

    Thank you again.

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Firstly, I think you have come to the right conclusion. All of his story is fairly classic autism. Depression, in my opinion as a recently diagnosed aspie, can be a consequence of the cycle of having a bright idea and then failing to get the world to understand me. I've had stress and depression over the years and now that I have been diagnosed I feel 1000% more relaxed and happier. i suddenly understand how things work and how I am different to other people. :-)

    Broaching the subject is going to be ticklish as it is liable to feel like an ambush (it will take some getting used to and will come as a shock to him) or that people think he is mad. there are a few people on the forum like me who see the diagnosis as liberating but I know it doesn't feel like that to everyone and people are more or less affected by the condition.

    Take it slowly and try not to appear to be threatening.

    Since he has shared his depression then this could be a good opening to talk to him about it and introduce the autism as a possible explanation. You might use the term Asperger's as this is more palatable to a lot of people.