No help since diagnosis

Clarkie said:

I do not know where the mask ends and I start. I've tried to work out who I am since the diagnoses and all that's appeared is more confusion.

Hi and welcome to the community, I'm female, in my sixties and discovered I was on the spectrum almost 10 years ago. I completely understand, and it took me quite a while to find and accept my authentic self.

So I'll make a few suggestions and hopefully that might point you in the right direction.

When we mask, we do something that isn't natural to us, so it won't feel "quite right". If you think about everything you do, you might start identifying things that you would really be happier not doing, or ways of behaving that make you feel a bit uncomfortable but you do it to please others. It sometimes needs a lot of self analysis, as after masking for years we can be unaware of how things are making us stressed and find it difficult to identify our feelings.

You could get a notebook or spreadsheet and start making notes of different situations you are in regularly, what you want to change to make your life easier and happier, and how you could do it.

For example, if you are working, one heading would be "work". Then one sub heading could be "dealing with colleagues" and under that you list what makes you feel awkward, what sensory issues you experience that are unpleasant, what you do that is pleasing others rather than pleasing you, etc. Then you list what you could change such as "politely decline social invitations" , "Ask management if it is possible to move to a quieter work area" or "remember to ask for clarification if something doesn't make sense".

You can then move onto other areas of life such as family, friends, daily/weekly routines, dealing with things like shopping or doctors appointments, etc.

I found that by changing things in my life to suit me better, and stopping myself worrying about what others thought or feeling guilty for putting myself first, I started to feel more authentically "me". There are some things we can't change, like having to visit the doctor if we have a health issue, but by thinking about how we deal.with that, such as preparing questions and maybe taking a trusted person with you, it can be managed better. And sometimes we just have to remind ourselves that something is unpleasant but essential, but is only temporary and soon it'll be over and we'll be at home relaxing again.

Essentially, I think that happy autistic person = authentic autistic person.

 I hope some of my ramblings might be of help.

If you are not sure what is stressing you because you have ignored it for so long, you need to pay attention to your body.

If you notice you shoulders are raised, this is a sign of stress (I've never been able to have a massage as it hurts my shoulders). Squinting for no reason is too.

You heart going faster or beating harder than normal is a sign, as is excess sweating or feeling hot, or clammy hands. And that knot in your chest behind your sternum.

Bloating can also be a sign as stress slows your digestion.

Bring irritable or snappy when pushed, more than you would want to do, shows it too.

When stressed it gets harder to reason and think logically as your fight, flight, fawn, freeze instincts kick in. When I was super stressed I drove into car park, there were 10 spaces and I could not choose one. I just stopped and sat here for 30 seconds looking.

You can't take criticism, even well intentioned comments. You might notice your hearing becomes more sensitive, or your  tinnitus gets louder (if you have it). 

You may also start scanning for risk. In a supermarket I have in the past started looking over my shoulders, when no one is there. It is quite unnerving.

In general anything that makes you feel more tired than it should, or wired afterwards, is stressing you.

If you are not sure what is stressing you because you have ignored it for so long, you need to pay attention to your body.

If you notice you shoulders are raised, this is a sign of stress (I've never been able to have a massage as it hurts my shoulders). Squinting for no reason is too.

You heart going faster or beating harder than normal is a sign, as is excess sweating or feeling hot, or clammy hands. And that knot in your chest behind your sternum.

Bloating can also be a sign as stress slows your digestion.

Bring irritable or snappy when pushed, more than you would want to do, shows it too.

When stressed it gets harder to reason and think logically as your fight, flight, fawn, freeze instincts kick in. When I was super stressed I drove into car park, there were 10 spaces and I could not choose one. I just stopped and sat here for 30 seconds looking.

You can't take criticism, even well intentioned comments. You might notice your hearing becomes more sensitive, or your  tinnitus gets louder (if you have it). 

You may also start scanning for risk. In a supermarket I have in the past started looking over my shoulders, when no one is there. It is quite unnerving.

In general anything that makes you feel more tired than it should, or wired afterwards, is stressing you.