Hello! I just wanted to introduce myself here first. I’m being very brave as I haven’t taken part in forums for a long time, so forgive me if I’m a bit rusty!
I’m mid-20s, female and this year I have gone down the path of trying to discover if I am autistic. It has been a long time getting to this point of understanding myself. I’m trying very hard to give myself some grace, but it is often easier said than done. I have just completed my ADOS-2. It was an experience and not at all what I expected, which leaves me with questions and some hesitancy, even though I still have one more assessment appointment to do. I’m a bit scared of info-dumping about my life. Even though that’s part of what they need to know, I second guess myself too much.
Over the years (and especially when growing up) I felt misunderstood by everyone. As I have often described it to others, I simply felt “tolerated” — but not included as a friend or peer. No invites to birthdays. No inclusion in friendship groups. I wasn’t the friend people wanted to be around. And that hurt. I was blamed for being friendless by teachers in high school. In the end, I stopped going, because I no longer wanted to have to force myself to be in an environment that didn’t make sense to me and caused me a lot of uncessary upset. In the end, it caused issues with school, my parents, CAMHS invovled. Diagnosed with depression, anxiety/social anxiety. I was told by teachers that I had “tantrums” whenever I was brought to school. Eventually, I was conveniently off-rolled into homeschooling. Lost out on my chance at GCSEs until sixth form, by which time I was such a mess, I don’t think I could focus. I do now have a few qualifications, but I feel stuck as to how to focus on trying to gain more, considering I’m also a full-time carer for my mum. Caring gives me purpose, but I’m mourning for my teens and early adulthood and now find myself wondering, ‘How do I build a life out of this?’ because it feels lost to me. I feel like I’ve fallen so far behind what I could achieve.
I’ve recently been wondering if there is some kind of overlapping trauma that also needs to be explored, but I’m not sure how to go about it. The truth is, I haven’t felt very supported by my mental health practitioner. They’ve gone very, very quiet on me since my autism referral was sent. I’m beginning to think I’ve upset them as I’ve heard nothing since August. I still have current needs to be talked through, I don’t know what’s accessible with my current situation and nothing is happening. They signposted me to Recovery College online and a DBT workbook that I have no context to work through. Recovery College is inaccessible for me currently as I have a voice disorder. I feel there’s been very little understanding for the overlapping issues in my life at the moment that still need addressing with someone qualified. I feel like this has caused more trauma on top of everything else.
Aside from all of this (sorry for the rambling!) I’ve always known I have different interests for a female. I am fascinated with military history, literature, historical fiction/crime, ghost stories, psychology. I’m fascinated and curious about everything. I’ve never met anyone else like myself, so I suppose I’m a bit unique. But it’s also quite lonely at times, trying to make friends with people my age. I feel lost without friendly interaction. It never goes beyond saying hello. I don’t have a social life to speak of. I don’t belong or feel welcomed by older people and I don’t feel understood by my peers either. It’s very difficult trying to understand where I fit in society.
I am just very lost and very confused about what help I am entitled to..and does it get better for us over time? I just want to feel there is somehow a bit of hope that I can become the best version of myself, whether or not I turn out to be autistic. I just have so much to work through, but I don’t know who to trust?
My GP isn’t very supportive either and I can’t deal with the hassle of trying to find a new one currently. I’ve recently spoken to the social prescriber to try and get me into some hobbies and workshops, but I’m beginning to think they don’t know how to help me either.
I’d like to apologise for such a long introduction..because it IS a lot. I just haven’t felt like I could share this until now.
