Hi. Disclaimer first. I am not formally diagnosed - however, I have had a diagnosis of bipolar for most of my adult life and two of my four adult children have now being diagnosed (one autistic the other Audhd) the other two...very similar so probably WOULD be diagnosed.
I came to learn primarily.
I had a bit of a rough childhood...definitely the black sheep. It was the 70s they probably did not know what to do with me but I was the weirdo. I was the lunatic. The one wirh the screw loose and that was just my loving family. Why couldnt I be more like my sister (I think very neurotypical)
Oh but youre so smart why are you such an underachiever.
People...just dont like me mostly. I try but im always on the outside. I think struggling with small talk is a big part of that. Im quiet. Feel like I HAVE to talk then i think say the wrong thing. Eek.
Now at an age where I am on my own and I want to be at peace I guess. I didnt realise my own traits were not...the norm for want of a better word. I was always trying to imitate others to fit in without realising that not everyone did that. Zero sense of real identity because of it...but I DO like art and rock music and I dont like it when my feet feel funny. I always lost my shoes as a kid. Nicknamed barefoot boo by my grandfather who was incredibly kind to me. Both my grandparents were. To compensate I think.
So I dont like socks and shoes but learned to tolerate it when at work...but I dont like my feet being cold either. Confused much lol.
Anyway I am waffling. I do that in writing. I guess I like writing too. Easier than talking.
I think I have been masking and people pleasing my whole life and I am tired. Exhausted. I just want to be left alone by people I have to do that with but its that ingrained I guess I have to learn how to unpick it. I want to know who I am under all that expectation.
I may or may not get tested/evaluated. Either way it wont hurt to understand the perspective of my recently diagnosed adult children. Its a shame nothing was flagged ever when they were younger. I didnt really notice anything amiss because we just...are who we are? My daughter confided that she too has watched/imitated people and I never knew that. Not because she was criticised at home but because she wanted to be popular.
I feel like i was blind to a lot and that saddens me so much.
Anyways thats me. War and peace finished 
