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Newly diagnosed 5 year old son with a father who refuses to accept

kathryn_

Hi. I’m new to this group and am really seeking a safe space and for advice. My son was diagnosed in July as ASD/ADHD. He is so clever, creative, wonderful and kind……. and also has PDA, so as you know can be in ‘fight’ mode at any point and will always have the last word- very argumentative. Since his diagnosis I have been trying to educate myself as much as I can to support and understand his communication through behaviour, his triggers, everything I can get my hands on to understand him and be his safe place. His father however wont even read his assessment report. Wont accept his diagnosis.  Wont acknowledge positive differences. Wont educate himself- refuses point blank. He wont accept him. Says my son needs to learn to shut up. Uses derogative and vile language towards him. Says he needs a good hiding- that will teach him ……… Goes head to head with my 5 year old who can not stop fighting back- as if he is talking to a grown adult who is trying to pick a fight with him. Just unbelievable. And then he says its my fault. My son is ‘like this’ because of me. Because I have spoilt him, not taught him discipline or respect…… anything else he can think of. He calls him names- *** for one and another which i can not bring myself to write beginning sp. -ic. Just awful. Sometimes to his face and mostly behind his back.

I have tried and tried to get him to educate himself about his son but he wont. I am at my witts end. I wont let him keep behaving this way towards my son. But my son loves his daddy so much. So so much and says ‘when is daddy going to stop being cross and come down?’ (He disappears into the bedroom 4-5 days out of 7 just as dinner is about to be eaten)

I understand he was expecting a neurotypical son. And he is mourning this. Guess what ‘daddy’? He is amazing and you are blind. It’s the utter lack of empathy, feeling almost- where is the fatherly feeling towards a son- to want to help him and be an even better role model to him. He has never shown the fatherly instinct even when he was a baby. Never wanted to go to baby groups when we were allowed during Covid. He is embarrassed by our son. What do I do with this? It is an endless battle of trying to do right by my son and his (expletive) dad. 

Any advice, corrections, anything will be appreciated

x

  • I’m sorry about your situation—it sounds awful.

    Children and adults of any age, non-autistic or autistic, do not deserve to be on the receiving end of such derogatory and threatening comments. 

    I hope you can get appropriate help as you both deserve to live in a safe environment.

  • Hello kathryn_

    I'm glad you have shared your justifiable concerns with the community. I was concerned by what you wrote in your posts, in particular that your son's father threatens to use physical punishment (“needs a good hiding”), is verbally aggressive, going “head to head” with him and uses derogatory language, sometimes to his face. It is understandable that you feel emotionally exhausted and at your wits’ end.

    I want to let you know that the National Autistic Society does not currently operate a crisis or emergency service. If you feel you or anyone else is at risk of immediate harm, dial 999 or contact one of the mental health crisis lines listed on our Urgent Help Page:
    www.autism.org.uk/.../urgent-help. 

    Given what you have told us, you could check out the NSPCC website which has lots of information on child abuse and how to recognise it here: www.nspcc.org.uk/.../

    You can report abuse or neglect of a child by searching online for ‘[Your Local Authority/Trust name] [ adult/child] safeguarding team’].

    It could be helpful to find out how more about getting social care for children and carers in each UK region https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/social-care 

    You can also search for services in our Autism Services Directory: https://www.autism.org.uk/autism-services-directory

    I hope this is helpful to you.
    Kind regards

    Sharon Mod

  • I'm sorry for you, you could do with better support.

    That sort of environment is not very helpful and may undermine your efforts. I sense your frustration. I expect your son needs a calm, supportive and predictable home environment. There should be clear rules and discipline, boundaries are needed, but there are ways to do it.

    This must also take a toll on you. Remember to be kind to yourself. 

    I'd guess your partner can't cope, so is in denial and possibly wants to do what was done to them. Perhaps it would be helpful for them to talk to a counsellor. They may have black and white thinking and not be able to see the full picture. They'll dismiss this at first, but you may be able to get through.