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Hello from a newly diagnosed adult

H2whoa

Hi everybody,

Just wanted to introduce myself as I am newly diagnosed with both autism and ADHD. I've had significant mental health issues for most of my life but am fortunate to have a great GP who has always had my back. After discussing my case with the mental health multidisciplinary team (MDT), they recommended that I be evaluated formally for autism and ADHD. My GP was an effective advocate and I was able to get assessed much quicker than I had feared. At the end of it all, I was diagnosed with both.

This is all very recent still, so I think I am still trying to process it. But it is making me reevaluate many of the struggles I've had with depression and anxiety since I was 12 years old. I always felt like I wasn't a real person and I always wondered how others manage to go through life as real people. It makes me wonder how much of my depression and anxiety has been linked to unknowing masking and autistic burnout. I also wonder how much of the harmful behaviours (to myself - I'm trying to phrase this carefully because I don't want to trigger) I have could actually be maladaptive self-soothing or stimming. These behaviours are certainly habitualised (ritualised even) rather than driven by emotion in the moment. In fact, I believe it was this element that started the discussion in the MDT about whether I might be autistic.

One thing I do know is that it actually felt like a relief to be diagnosed. Reading my diagnostic report felt like seeing myself through different eyes. Where I think I'm struggling with my feelings is around a sense of grief or loss about how life might have been less of a struggle if I had been diagnosed earlier. I'm sure the struggles would have been different, but at least I might not have become so alienated from myself.

Anyway, that's my long-winded way of introducing myself.

  • in reply to Chloe Mod

    Thank you very much for the welcome and for sharing these resources.

  • in reply to SubKonscious

    Really sorry you've been through that. I'm choosing to be very selective with who I'm even considering telling for fear of having to deal with possible rejection.

  • Hello  

    Welcome to the NAS Community! Thank you for sharing your diagnosis story with us. You may find it useful to have a look at our pages from the NAS which includes information and advice on the 'After Diagnosis' stage: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/after-diagnosis

    I hope you feel well supported here and manage to connect with people who have similar interests.

    All the best,

    Chloe Mod

  • Hi  and welcome to the community. From my experience I can say after being diagnosed it gets worse but it may not be like that with everyone. I tend to say out loud “now I know why this and that; it’s because I was autistic and I didn’t know it…” and things like that. My partner and parents have accused me more than once of using autism for everything. It feels like a stab in the back! I just keep thinking of situations past and present trying to understand them but I would never use autism to explain things unrelated because that would be like cheating on me. Being honest is out of question and that includes with me too. The problem when people you care for say those things is that you feel so disconnected from them and therefore from everyone (my parents and partner are my only friends literally). It’s hard. It simply puts me down and in a feeling of complete loneliness and hopelessness. I hope you don’t go through that. This is just my experience.

  • Hi and welcome to the community. I hope you find the forum useful.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Thank you Stuart. I appreciate the nice reply.

  • in reply to Iain

    Nice to meet you and thank you for your thoughtful response. Lots of helpful stuff here to think about.

  • Hello, it is strange to see it in black and white on a report. It seems more real when you read it, it also seems more significant. You tend to minimise things on your head, because it is all you've known.

    Be prepared for lots of emotions, including grief.

    It may come in bursts.

    It will take time. The first few days just feel strange.

  • Welcome to the community!

    H2whoa said:
    I also wonder how much of the harmful behaviours (to myself - I'm trying to phrase this carefully because I don't want to trigger) I have could actually be maladaptive self-soothing or stimming.

    From what has been explained to me I believe this is a mix of responses that form these behaviours:

    1 - defensive behaviour from traumas. For example being reluctant to go to certain places as they have bad associations for us so we make up reasons not to go.

    2 - seeking validation. For example some people become people pleasers in order to get validation and feel valued, but they often put themselves in the way of abuse in order to get this and will stay in an abusive relationship to do so.

    3 - soothing behaviours. For example you may scratch yourself to feel the pain which reminds you that you are alive - the sensation can be a "stim" to help regulate yourself.

    4 - addiction to dopamine. While not a solely autistic issue some people will form addictive behaviours in order to get dopamine release which makes them feel better, even if just briefly. 

    5 - substance abuse to feel sociable. Also not solely autistic in nature, many people will use substances like alcohol or stronger to lower their inhibitions and allow themselves to engage socially without some of their autistic traits that are dulled by the substance.

    There are often multiple influences resulting in out bad behaviours but most are treatable with the help of a knowledgable therapist.

    For the issues grounded in past traumas the approach often involved "unpacking" it, or rather revisiting it in a controlled way to understand it, work on forgiving yourself for it and realising how you have developed the behaviours as a result. By exposing it and coming to terms with it you steal a lot of its power to influence you and can begin to heal and change as a result.

    This is all from my lengthy therapy sessions and some further reading on the subject - consider it all in my opinion only and if you are curious about any of it then please engage with a psychotherapist who understands autism well and find out for yourself. I highly recommend it.