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EllieW

Hi everyone. New to this forum and forums in general. Am mum to 2 teenage boys 17 and 15- one neuro typical and the youngest has Austism and ADHD with ODD He is a challenge day in and day out. School is a disaster and home is not much better. I struggle to understand him and he pushes every button- being called every swear word under the sun is a common several times a day occurrence and I struggle to not lose it with him. He is angry, defiant, aggressive and rude. I know lots of this is puberty also but he has always been like this. It is only ever me that gets this not his Dad- maybe because I am the one who deals with day to day expectations. He has (sort of) accepted the ADHD diagnosis but refuses to discuss it and refuses to concede that he has ASD at all- therefore feels like he needs no help. I am at the end of my rope, I struggle to keep calm with him and am sick of the screaming matches when he refuses to follow even basic instructions.  I feel like the worst parent and just would welcome any nuggets of advice that I may not have tried.

Thank you x 

  • in reply to EllieW
    EllieW said:
    I am definitely going to try stepping back from him and trying to let him come to me.

    Just let him know you are there if he wants to ask questions, talk or ask for help - this is a tricky stage for teenagers where the relationships with parents is rough but by not meddling, being supportive and being reliable you stand the best chance of him wanting to be closer in the long run.

    If your husband has a better relationship with your son then ask him to quietly ask your son the questions you cannot - he probably has a different approach and if it works then he can hopefully encourage the better relationship as he navigates those choppy waters of puberty and the teenage years.

    If you do choose to try therapy and it works then get your husband to recommend it to your son too - it may be a good way to form a shared experience (ie therapy) to talk about with your son.

    Good luck.

  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you  you have given me a lot to think about. My poor husband hasn't really come off in a good light and he is really supportive but son just responds differently to him than me. 

    We have thought therapy via CAMHs for son but he attended one on line session and one session in school and then refused to go to anymore. I will certainly look into it for myself 

    I am definitely going to try stepping back from him and trying to let him come to me. Just wish there was a magic wand.....

  • Hello Ellie and welcome to the forum. It's good to have you here.

    You do have a difficult situation on your hands here.

    EllieW said:
    It is only ever me that gets this not his Dad- maybe because I am the one who deals with day to day expectations.

    Can I ask if the dad is willing to step up and take control of some of the day to day tasks to help? 

    I realise you only disclosed a small amount here but is the dad supporting you enough? Parenting is a team endeavour and if it is a case of him playing good cop to your bad cop then it will only entrench the behavour I suspect.

    Do you think that stepping back and letting the autistic one ask for help when he needs it? If there is and demand avoidance (ODD) trait present then the approach of trying to be too active may be triggering this and it is really hard to avoid.

    The age he is at is also going to bring a lot more anxiety and pressure into his life and I suspect he is just using you as a punching bag for this. This is why I think stepping back and letting him make sone mistakes on his own but being there to support when he asks may help.

    I suspect the best approach would be to get him his own therapist who has experience in his areas of issue and let them help if the son is willing to engage. 

    EllieW said:
    I feel like the worst parent

    You are not. You want to help and have tried but get slapped down time after time. This is not your fault and you are a good parent for caring enough to try.

    Maybe consider getting some therapy yourself, as much to deal with the self worth issues and anxiety as anything else, plus getting tips for helping your son would be an added bonus.

    Just make sure any therapist you engage with is knowledgable in autism and ODD

    Good luck