Hi everyone,
I was recently diagnosed. My first reaction was a kind of “wow.” I just didn’t think I was “autistic enough”. At the same time, I felt this tightness in my chest and throat… like I wanted to cry but couldn’t, at least not in front of her. So I masked it and acted as “okay” as I possibly could. Later, when I got to the car, I wanted to cry with my mum but her boyfriend didn’t really let me. He said things like “Don’t think about the past,” and “This doesn’t define you, don’t cry” which honestly felt quite dismissive. Since then, it’s as if there’s still so much inside me that I haven’t been able to let out.
In the first few days, I felt a mix of shock, relief, and sadness. Relief because I finally understood that I wasn’t “crazy” or “weird” for the past 25 years. I was just autistic. But 23 days later, I feel like I’m going through a really strong grieving process and it’s incredibly lonely. People tend to minimise it a lot because I’m an adult or they simply don’t know how to handle someone else’s pain. I often hear things like “Don’t cry” or “You really don’t seem autistic, you’re brilliant” which I honestly hate.
I just wanted to share this here because I think I need a space where people might actually understand what this feels like.
Thanks for reading.
L x
