Hi, I’m just looking for some clarity.

I think we all feel a bit of imposter syndrome, even after we've been diagnosed, so just try and hang in there and go with the process.

I think it will earn you a lot of cudos if you suggest couples counselling because of the situation - sell it more as a way of saying "I realise I'm part of the issue here and I want to do something to strengthen our relationship.

It shows you take the relationship very seriously, you understand you are causing her issues and you want to find a way to strengthen your bond.

I've seen a lot of people here expecting the partner to adapt to them or use autism as the excuse to continue with damaging behaviours.

Through the process you will have an independent expert giving your wife advice and educating her about your autism but the important thing is to learn to see her side of things too, to find empathy for her and to make a real effort on her behalf.

These can be things that strengthen a relationship which is otherwise at risk of breaking apart.

Only my opinion of course, but I do advise getting a psychotherapist and talk to them about all of this - they can be worth their weight in gold.

I guess there’s nothing that is troublesome for me particularly, it’s more the impact I have on those people around me. All the time I've thought I’ve not fit in to a given environment or with given people, is not because there’s something “wrong” with me, but it’s that my brain is not wired in the same way. Which also explains why I’m able to do certain things with such ease, but others (including anything involving my feelings/emotions) and really seem to struggle. 

Ive tried to explain it to my wife as things that require EQ rather than IQ will time to filter through and if I can “think about it” for a few days then it makes sense, I’m not really thinking though it’s more processing it. If too much stuff gets added to the funnel then it overflows and then there are issues. 

The hats analogy makes sense, I’ve always considered myself to be a chameleon around people, I’ve said that to my wife for a long time, I effectively mirror those people around me and how they behave, so I guess that’s never going to change. I suppose I mean I need to figure out what has been done as a coping mechanism and not what has been done for my benefit if that makes sense.

I’ll take a look for that book too, she is trying to understand, but still seems to struggle with my “abruptness” or “literalness” and thinks I mean something other than what I’m saying.

im finding ways of handling things that triggers for me, noises particularly annoy me, fans, motors, road noise, the water in the radiators, that sort of thing. I’ve always tried to bloc it out, but that’s a lot of effort all the time, now I’m trying to handle it in other ways, it’s a learning curve. 

DancingBear said:

I’ve tried to explain to her that it’s not worse I’m just not hiding things as much

If you think of this from an outside person looking in, these appear to be the same thing.

Your partner may benefit from this book:

22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man with Asperger’s Syndrome - Rudy Simone (2009)
ISBN 9781849058032

Aspergers is an older name from 1 or 2 decades ago for what is now high functioning autism, so it is still very relevant.

DancingBear said:

I’m just wondering how much of “me” is masking and how much of me is actually “me”, if that makes sense. 

I find it helpful to think of it as me with different "hats" on - I wear whatever camouflage is going to help me in any given situation but it is still the same person under the hat.

You will probably find almost everybody in life does this to a degree so don't worry about it too much. Adding the stress of trying to peek under the hat every time is going to just add stress and in reality you will still need to mask to an extent to get on in society anyway.

I'm just much more aware of when I put the hat on now and just feel as if it is me with the hat of the moment - it is always me.

Which of the autistic traits are most troublesome for you? It may help you to try to focus on the big ticket items first and reduce the impact it is having so you can find a healthier balance sooner.

Thanks Iain, that’s helpful, I’ve already done a few tests from different places, they’re fairly conclusive, I guess I just trust my “gut” on it as well. 

In fairness to my wife a lot of the issues she was citing as reasons were probably meltdown or shutdowns, she would say things like “you’re in the room, but you’re not really here” or you’re mind is somewhere else, and tell me I’m moody, but in my mind I’m not moody. From looking I’m at things further it all adds up, and she is at least trying to be understanding and trying to accept things that I keep saying, although she does seem to now be saying things like “it’s like it’s got worse since the counsellor told you she thinks you have ASD” and I seems like I’m using it as an excuse for my behaviours instead of wanting to change them. 

I’ve tried to explain to her that it’s not worse I’m just not hiding things as much, and it’s not an excuse but a reason and they’re different things. I’ve also tried to explain to her that there are certain things I can’t change, thought patterns, black and white thinking, overthinking etc, but there are things I can do to try to manage them better now I understand why. I’ll take a look for that book, it sounds like it may be helpful, I’m currently reading a different book which is kinda useful to, the autistic survival guide to therapy, which is quite helpful too.

I dont see myself as a victim, I think it’s useful to have a handle on it and it is helping me to get to grips with things, I’m just wondering how much of “me” is masking and how much of me is actually “me”, if that makes sense. 

DancingBear said:

I’ve been looking at a lot of YouTube, reading books, and other things, basically fixating on it and learning more, but I currently feel really confused, kind of imposter syndrome I guess, because I’ve not been officially diagnosed

Welcome to the site DancingBear.

What you are experiencing is much more common than you may think - imposter syndrome is a common problem for neurodivergent people but don't let that phase you.

I would recommend looking up "free online autism tests" in your search engine of preference and try one or two of the tests to see if you are reaching the threshold for a diagnosis. This should give a comparable score to what you will get in the assessment itself so should give you some confidence that you are on the right path.

I would also recommend having a ferret about in the Advice and Guidance link above as there are some great resources available here.

Personally I liked the book Autism For Dummies - Stephen Shore, Linda G. Rastelli, Temple Grandin (2025) ISBN 978-1-394-30100-3

It gives a nice, simple to look up info type book that you can dip in and out of for specific details easily.

There are loads of other books available but most try to lead you through a long process of building up knowledge step by step and I found in the beginning I wanted to know about specific subjects which the Dummies book does well.

DancingBear said:

I’m trying to learn to do things differently to help myself,

I would recommend getting a psychotherapist who has experience in helping autists (assuming the tests confirm your suspicion) and work on the issues most affecting you. They may also be a good path into helping with couples therapy as the approach to getting your partner to understand and accept you can be facilitated by the therapist who has experience with this.

It helps not to think of yourself as a victim here. Think of it as understanding what is causing you to feel and act the way you do and you can use this to develop healthier ways of doing these things in a way that is less of a burdon for you.

Keep reminding yourself that you are the same person now than you were before you knew about the autism. You now have knowledge and that is the power to then do something about making your life better.