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Multiple suspensions, TAP placements, Refusing to do any work while at school!

WMumof3

Hi

My S is autistic and was diagnosed later at 12 yo. He does not has an EHCP. 

My S is in Y10 and after spending most of Y9 in detention, isolation, fixed term exclusions and temporary alternative placements (3months) he is now refusing to do any work in lessons. Unless the teacher isn't a "DH" or its a subject that is "alright".

My son is a boy of few words, relating to feelings, special interest however are another matter Slight smile On the rare occassions he does speak of how he feels, he describes himself as 'stupid' 'a DH' 'everyone hates him' and this is also with a lot of screaming and crying. He has struggled with MH and attended talking therapy (really helps) .

I guess what I'm asking for is help and advice. The school keep setting him detentions. Some for forgetting a pencil, some for refusing to do the work. Some for distracting other students. I am scared that this amount of pressure is going to cause another year of stress and worry. He has had 8 detentions in the 2 1/2 weeks back. He says he doesn't understand the work, the teachers don't care I don't care and he's bored.  

My S refuses SEN. The schools SEN department is virtually non existent. There main question in a meeting was does he have friends. He has lots of friends, has had a GF (briefly) interacts with others all the time. His main struggle from what I can see is understanding instructions, following along with instructions, motivation to do HW (if I sit with him he can do it), listening to the whole sentence. He has very little self esteem in his ability. 

Should I be looking for another school? Should I homeschool?- last resort as Im not sure our relationship could handle this. Should I send him to college? 

Ive asked hiim what he wants and he doesnt no. He avoids talking to me about anything or tells me Im wrong about everything I suggest.

I should also note that he is on a waiting list for an ADHD assessment as well. 

If anyone has been in a similar situation or has any knowledge of the school system please give me any advice you can. I feel completely in the dark, deflated and apprehensive of another year like the last one.

Thank you.

Parents

  • I am not sure I have advice, but can relate to some of these difficulties. My son did have an EHCP because we persevered with getting one which was a challenge due to his previous school. We had a lot of contact with the SEN department at Secondary and some adjustments were made, but it was a constant battle. He rejected a lot of help because he didn't want to be seen as being different. He has difficulties with instructions and needs things broken down and didn't want to ask for help. Some staff were ok as they tended to help in a way that addressed everyone and one teacher he had for a short time was good at helping without making it obvious. 

    Homework was almost non existent. I used to help him, but in the end he rejected this.

    I can also relate to what you said about whether the teacher is acceptable.

    My son missed a lot of school after the pandemic, I think because it changed the set up. He also had punishments for minor things.  I couldn't always understand the exclusions for a pupil who didn't want to be there.

    I am not sure what you can ask for without an EHCP. I wonder if there is a senior member of staff you could have a meeting with to explain the main issues, like understanding, to see if it is possible for instructions to be broken down. I wonder if there are any local organisations who could help you with communicating with school, or go with you to a meeting, or tell you what help might be possible. You may want to look up IPSEA to see if they can offer advice.

    I note that school said he has lots of friends. My son hung around with lots of others, although they did change over time. When I have seen him with others he often appears to be on the edge of the group. 

    I hope you are able to find some support. It is a challenge and doesn't get easier at the next level, but your son is fortunate to have you as an advocate for him.

Reply

  • I am not sure I have advice, but can relate to some of these difficulties. My son did have an EHCP because we persevered with getting one which was a challenge due to his previous school. We had a lot of contact with the SEN department at Secondary and some adjustments were made, but it was a constant battle. He rejected a lot of help because he didn't want to be seen as being different. He has difficulties with instructions and needs things broken down and didn't want to ask for help. Some staff were ok as they tended to help in a way that addressed everyone and one teacher he had for a short time was good at helping without making it obvious. 

    Homework was almost non existent. I used to help him, but in the end he rejected this.

    I can also relate to what you said about whether the teacher is acceptable.

    My son missed a lot of school after the pandemic, I think because it changed the set up. He also had punishments for minor things.  I couldn't always understand the exclusions for a pupil who didn't want to be there.

    I am not sure what you can ask for without an EHCP. I wonder if there is a senior member of staff you could have a meeting with to explain the main issues, like understanding, to see if it is possible for instructions to be broken down. I wonder if there are any local organisations who could help you with communicating with school, or go with you to a meeting, or tell you what help might be possible. You may want to look up IPSEA to see if they can offer advice.

    I note that school said he has lots of friends. My son hung around with lots of others, although they did change over time. When I have seen him with others he often appears to be on the edge of the group. 

    I hope you are able to find some support. It is a challenge and doesn't get easier at the next level, but your son is fortunate to have you as an advocate for him.

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