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Breakup

Julia2000

I was in a relationship with my boyfriend who is autistic. Lately we were having frequent fights. I have OCD and sometimes I am entering into a loop of asking questions. We have age difference of almost 2 years. Because of the fights we had a conversation if we should breakup or continue. We decided to continue but I made a mistake. Next day of the conversation we had a fight, I enter into a loop of asking if he was fine. I asked him time, and to think about again if we should continue or not. Then he told me he was confused, because we already had that conversation, and why opening again that topic, if we haven't even given a day to try it with the solutions we agreed. He said he lost trust in the relationship, he doesn't see us as a team, and he can not be in a relationship with someone who opens again after having the talk. I made a mistake with my reaction, I was with a lot of emotions and I felt the things that morning were not flowing. Do you think there is something I can do so he gives me the chance to built his confidence again?

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  • Julia2000 said:
    he told me he was confused, because we already had that conversation, and why opening again that topic, if we haven't even given a day to try it with the solutions we agreed. He said he lost trust in the relationship

    One thing with many autists is that we have quite black and white thinking. In this case it looks like you had a difficult conversation, made a decision and then went back to trying to have the difficult conversation again.

    You admit it was a mistake but your partner has had to deal with the difficult social interaction of making that decision nad trying to put the hurt behind them only to be faced with it all over again. This can be triggering for them which is why I think they may be reacting this way.

    As you point out he has lost faith in the relationship remaining stable because of several bad experiences.

    I think you can ask if there can be a different format for the relationship going forward that does not repeat the mistakes already experienced. This is likely to be really hard for him and you will probably have to work hard to earn the trust back.

    Do you think you can prevent yourself from falling into the trap of questioning it again? I don't mean forever but for a few months at least.

    If you can do this and work of a slow rebuilding of trust then I think you have a chance but as both of you have issues you may need to accept that the odds are stacked against you.

    In general I would say enjoy each others company as much as you can without making it too much abouth the "relationship". See how it evolves and take the pressure off trying too hard.

    That is what I would do in your situation.

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  • Julia2000 said:
    he told me he was confused, because we already had that conversation, and why opening again that topic, if we haven't even given a day to try it with the solutions we agreed. He said he lost trust in the relationship

    One thing with many autists is that we have quite black and white thinking. In this case it looks like you had a difficult conversation, made a decision and then went back to trying to have the difficult conversation again.

    You admit it was a mistake but your partner has had to deal with the difficult social interaction of making that decision nad trying to put the hurt behind them only to be faced with it all over again. This can be triggering for them which is why I think they may be reacting this way.

    As you point out he has lost faith in the relationship remaining stable because of several bad experiences.

    I think you can ask if there can be a different format for the relationship going forward that does not repeat the mistakes already experienced. This is likely to be really hard for him and you will probably have to work hard to earn the trust back.

    Do you think you can prevent yourself from falling into the trap of questioning it again? I don't mean forever but for a few months at least.

    If you can do this and work of a slow rebuilding of trust then I think you have a chance but as both of you have issues you may need to accept that the odds are stacked against you.

    In general I would say enjoy each others company as much as you can without making it too much abouth the "relationship". See how it evolves and take the pressure off trying too hard.

    That is what I would do in your situation.

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