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Struggling friend

Arty

Hello. Finally decided to reach out as Im struggling to help a friend with ADHD/Autism. Still finding it very hard to assist. Partly because the urge to help means when they are really distressed and tell me very forcefully to [insert very hurtful words here] I am desperately worried they may hurt themselves.

So many awful experiences with NHS care that just doesn't seem able to a) listen to him, and b) pass him from pillor to post, where the same past history of misdiagnosis keeps coming up and alienating him, adding to anxiety. Latest was a dental appointment that was rushed, brusque and resulted in him fleeing thd room, hitting himself and collapsing in despair. 

I guess im just wanting to see how others cope or manage to support. Two year learning curve and much better able to understand him and how my own preconceptions needed challenging. He masks and tends to reward helping with what I believe is called 'attract then attack' behaviour, probably because he is so used to bad responses he finds it hard to trust or believe the help isnt conditional.

I struggle though with what appears to be a lack of empathy for my own distress/stress in handling people. Ironically I mask as a result. Boundary setting is really tough.

Parents

  • It may be that when he is "really distressed" he might be having a meltdown. His brain may be overwhelmed and overloaded and any extra inputs will only make it harder for him to get back to a more regulated state. That is not really a good time to try to engage and offer help. It may be best to leave him alone for a while. His "hurtful words" during a meltdown may not be a true reflection of how he feels, but might be just the instinctive reactions of an overloaded brain that needs some quiet time and space to recover.

    He's lucky that he has you for a friend and that you want to understand and help him. Perhaps just ask him if there is anything you can do to support him, or if there is anything he is finding hard and could do with a hand sorting out, rather than offering any particular solutions or advice yourself. Maybe you are doing that already, though.

  • in reply to Damojo

    Thanks. I usually try offering a hug that sometimes is accepted but usually leaving for a while and keeping communication on Whats App to short (often a stream of insulting character assassinations follow) " "'I hear you' but... " responses are followed several days later with calmer interaction.  

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  • in reply to Damojo

    Thanks. I usually try offering a hug that sometimes is accepted but usually leaving for a while and keeping communication on Whats App to short (often a stream of insulting character assassinations follow) " "'I hear you' but... " responses are followed several days later with calmer interaction.  

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