Hi,
Sorry for the long message!
I would really appreciate some advice please. I had an adhd diagnosis 2 years ago and the assessor said he thought there were also autistic traits and that it might be something worth looking into. I didn't consider it much at the time, but having read up a bit on late diagnosis in women and autistic masking, I'm seeing a lot of red flags and kind of having a bit of an aha moment! I'm wondering whether to get formally assessed and whether anyone has any suggestions of an assessor in the London/Buckinghamshire area (UK) that specialises in late diagnosis/ autism in women.
The things that make me consider autism are: I have always been acutely terrified of people all looking at me in social situations. I go into fight or flight, even if I know them well. I have absolutely no idea of what to say after a jolly hello and first introduction. I desperately want to chat but I just say stupid awkward things that are not in flow with whatever is being talked about. I try really hard but after a while I can see people disengage and I'm always liked, but on the edge of social groups. I socialise if I have to as I like people and want friends, but it's always excruciatingly boring/exhausting and I just want to escape back to my home and special interests (quantum mechanics/Christopher Hitchens/Zen meditation). It just seems like a waste of life at dinner parties and I don't see the point of everyone standing around talking about dull things.
I get overwhelmed easily by lots of people/bright lights/background noise and sometimes have to re-group my energy the following day. I've had period of depersonalisation during heavy periods of stress in the past. Social interactions exhaust me. Recently, I hid in the loos at a social event for ages just to not have to interact for a bit. I often find I'm mimicking people's mannerisms. I have severe rejection sensitivity. I feel like I am hypervalent to people's micro expressions and understand what they mean, but have no idea what to do with that information or how to respond to it. However, if there's a neurodivergent person in the room I gravitate towards them and find them really interesting and feel at ease with them. I teach and I've always clicked brilliantly with the autistic pupils I have taught. I get very upset if my plans suddenly have to change. I struggle to start things, but hyperfocus for days if I find something interesting. I can't stand anything touching my sternum when I sleep. I hate sand and glitter. It makes me cry if it comes into my home. I have control issues around food. Oh, and I stim all the time, but hide it in public (i.e. counting my teeth with my tongue/twirling my keys in my pocket). I've always counted EVERTHING since as young as I can remember. Words as I'm reading, these words as I'm typing, steps I take, breaths... It's not that I think something bad will happen, It's more that I count in a weighted, symmetrical way in the background all the time and it's soothing.
I'm much better with one to ones, but still find it very difficult to hold eye contact with people. I feel like they're boring into my soul and can see into me. I am great at the detail but not the big picture. I have time blindness. I love walking my dog in the woods and have trouble switching off to sleep. Out of all of these things, I think the hardest one is the constant tying to pretend I am confident and have friends and smile and be great, It's exhausting. I feel like I'm weird and I don't know why My family say I'm a bit different, but they love me this way :)
I would be so grateful if anyone could tell me if this resonates with them? I would so love an answer as to why life has always been so hard and people are such a mystery!
