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Hello. I’m new here. A sleepless night.

L11HE

Hello, 

I’m here after a huge realisation in recent weeks that I am likely autistic. 
This has come at a time of noticing trait’s within my beautiful little girl who has been struggling more and more. (Mostly at home, not being seen in school) Noticing what’s happening has been like a flashback of my own childhood. I’m doing everything I can to support her in ways I never was. Seeing my little girl struggle and wider family class her as ‘“too much” and “just as dramatic as you were” is hard. 
Searching what I can around how to best support my daughter has revealed so much more than I could have ever expected. This has all developed at a time when a number of professional and personal stressors, and a lot of change were building to the point I’ve been truly shutting down more and more. I struggle to function and simple tasks almost impossible.
I think I’m seen as gentle, meek, kind, and the ultimate people pleaser. I’m know to be very anxious and I struggle immensely with sudden change. I’m constantly battling inside in the office and at home, usually it’s the overwhelm of sounds, smells, noises, stuff everywhere. 
I have seen my GP and asked for a referral for an autism assessment for myself. My partner is not yet willing to discuss our daughter.
I have been implementing some new ways to help try and soothe her in her difficult moments. Removing all words in times of distress has been a huge help. Also giving her clear time cues for when we are changing tasks has been working better. 
I just wanted to come on here and introduce myself as I feeling i’m in a very sensitive space at the moment. I’m exhausted from life’s present challenges and pushing in for my beautiful child. Im unable to rest soundly as my mind is in some kind of overdrive. It’s like an old Vhs being played in double speed, I’m replaying so many parts of my life in this new context, and so much makes sense… all the struggles, the joyful parts too, the shutdowns and meltdown, the what I know have been misdiagnoses, the intensity of feeling so deeply, but not truly knowing what it even is I’m feeling. 
Apologies for such an overshare of an introduction. It’s an unbearably hot, sleepless night.
I’ve just found myself at what feels like the start of an unexpected journey, after the rug was pulled from under me, and the mask has somehow slipped. I don’t know what lies ahead but I just wanted to reach out in here. There are too many thoughts and feelings to fully know what it is I’m feeling right now. Something I’m certain of is that I feel very alone in all this at this early stage, and just hoped for a supportive space, to free some room in my poor head.  


Parents

  • Welcome here. Reading some of your experiences, they are similar to mine. You mention change at work and I remember my manager saying before I thought I was autistic I had mentioned difficulties when there is a lot of change. If you are having difficulties at work I wonder if you feel it appropriate to explain some of this to a manager. Some employers will consider some adjustments whilst waiting for assessment.

    I also used to have meltdowns when I was younger which were not understood. I still have issues at times, but now I understand better which helps to manage problems. I only started seeing the possibility of autism when we saw it in my son's difficulties.

    I now mostly work from home, but I remember the issue with smells when I worked in the office. I often wondered why others didn't have the same problems, or even seem to notice.

    I was helped, I guess as a child by the fact that my Mum liked doing crafts and soon spent a lot of my time creating things for myself. My way of switching off is to have a project. I hope you can enjoy this too and some time doing crafts with your daughter. Well done for finding ways to help your daughter, it can feel overwhelming at times trying to find what works best.

    I note that you mentioned the difficulty with sleeping. I find it is so much harder to function when I am tired, probably because sometimes so much effort goes into everyday life on a normal day that this pushes me into the difficult to function stage.

    I can see that many people have already made helpful comments. I remember when I first came on here and found it so helpful to find people who understood difficulties I had always had, which others didn't seem to get.

Reply

  • Welcome here. Reading some of your experiences, they are similar to mine. You mention change at work and I remember my manager saying before I thought I was autistic I had mentioned difficulties when there is a lot of change. If you are having difficulties at work I wonder if you feel it appropriate to explain some of this to a manager. Some employers will consider some adjustments whilst waiting for assessment.

    I also used to have meltdowns when I was younger which were not understood. I still have issues at times, but now I understand better which helps to manage problems. I only started seeing the possibility of autism when we saw it in my son's difficulties.

    I now mostly work from home, but I remember the issue with smells when I worked in the office. I often wondered why others didn't have the same problems, or even seem to notice.

    I was helped, I guess as a child by the fact that my Mum liked doing crafts and soon spent a lot of my time creating things for myself. My way of switching off is to have a project. I hope you can enjoy this too and some time doing crafts with your daughter. Well done for finding ways to help your daughter, it can feel overwhelming at times trying to find what works best.

    I note that you mentioned the difficulty with sleeping. I find it is so much harder to function when I am tired, probably because sometimes so much effort goes into everyday life on a normal day that this pushes me into the difficult to function stage.

    I can see that many people have already made helpful comments. I remember when I first came on here and found it so helpful to find people who understood difficulties I had always had, which others didn't seem to get.

Children
  • in reply to Homebird

    It is hard to be productive in a noisy open plan environment. It is hard to think when you can't blank out other people's conversations.

    I don't like it, fortunately my area is not too bad most of the time. I have gone and say in a meeting room for an afternoon before it is too bad.

    My pet hate is the fire alarm test every Tuesday. It is so loud.

    Sleep makes a huge difference. I have never really prioritised it but I really should. I'm trying to now 

  • in reply to Homebird

    Hello. 

    It does sound like we have some very similar experiences!

    I can relate to the office struggles and realise that working from home would suit me much better. I did that in a previous role, and it worked well for me. In the past few months, my office has moved into a completely new setting. Very open plan, everyone practically on top of each other. People in front, at my side and behind. Teams are combined into an open space. Lots of noise, and honestly, I have felt like I can barely function. I do have a supportive manager, and have been able to speak briefly about some of the current struggles. There is a 'toxic' attitude amongst the team around wfh, and the people that do have those adjustments in place are frowned upon by certain team members, which is not great. 

    Most mornings, I arrive at work, and I am so overwhelmed by the challenge of getting my daughter to put on underwear for school. It's a real struggle at the moment. She can't stand the feel on her skin. We have tried lots of alternatives to standard knickers, but nothing has helped so far. 

    Yesterday, my daughter and I set up a blanket in the garden and got out all sorts of craft items. We ended up making 'potions' before the rain set in. Then we spent around 2 hours drawing and playing with stencils indoors. It was really lovely.  

    I was SO tired by yesterday afternoon. I agree with you about the challenge of functioning on very little sleep. Looking back now through this new lens on my experiences of early motherhood, along with the massive life changes of having a newborn, the overwhelm that consumed every part of me and my senses was so difficult. I thought I was just bad at it, and that people assumed I was overreacting to how hard I was finding things. 

    Thank you for sharing some of your experiences. 

    Just opening up in this space has already provided me with some comfort. I'm very thankful for all the replies. 

    Have a lovely day.