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Hello. I’m new here. A sleepless night.

L11HE

Hello, 

I’m here after a huge realisation in recent weeks that I am likely autistic. 
This has come at a time of noticing trait’s within my beautiful little girl who has been struggling more and more. (Mostly at home, not being seen in school) Noticing what’s happening has been like a flashback of my own childhood. I’m doing everything I can to support her in ways I never was. Seeing my little girl struggle and wider family class her as ‘“too much” and “just as dramatic as you were” is hard. 
Searching what I can around how to best support my daughter has revealed so much more than I could have ever expected. This has all developed at a time when a number of professional and personal stressors, and a lot of change were building to the point I’ve been truly shutting down more and more. I struggle to function and simple tasks almost impossible.
I think I’m seen as gentle, meek, kind, and the ultimate people pleaser. I’m know to be very anxious and I struggle immensely with sudden change. I’m constantly battling inside in the office and at home, usually it’s the overwhelm of sounds, smells, noises, stuff everywhere. 
I have seen my GP and asked for a referral for an autism assessment for myself. My partner is not yet willing to discuss our daughter.
I have been implementing some new ways to help try and soothe her in her difficult moments. Removing all words in times of distress has been a huge help. Also giving her clear time cues for when we are changing tasks has been working better. 
I just wanted to come on here and introduce myself as I feeling i’m in a very sensitive space at the moment. I’m exhausted from life’s present challenges and pushing in for my beautiful child. Im unable to rest soundly as my mind is in some kind of overdrive. It’s like an old Vhs being played in double speed, I’m replaying so many parts of my life in this new context, and so much makes sense… all the struggles, the joyful parts too, the shutdowns and meltdown, the what I know have been misdiagnoses, the intensity of feeling so deeply, but not truly knowing what it even is I’m feeling. 
Apologies for such an overshare of an introduction. It’s an unbearably hot, sleepless night.
I’ve just found myself at what feels like the start of an unexpected journey, after the rug was pulled from under me, and the mask has somehow slipped. I don’t know what lies ahead but I just wanted to reach out in here. There are too many thoughts and feelings to fully know what it is I’m feeling right now. Something I’m certain of is that I feel very alone in all this at this early stage, and just hoped for a supportive space, to free some room in my poor head.  


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  • L11HE said:
    There are too many thoughts and feelings to fully know what it is I’m feeling right now.

    Hello, welcome and please know that you are not alone - as many of us here will understand the maelstrom / whirlpool of turmoil you are trying to share. 

    There can be a type of "shorthand" of shared or overlapping lived experience (which means that we "get it").

    Hopefully, as you get to know us here - you can start to relax a little more on tha front.

    To try and help quiet the brain - sometimes it can be helpful to be busy with hobbies involving moving your hands (and the good news is that this applies across the generations / age groups).

    If you / your daughter currently do not seem to have many "busy hands" hobbies - maybe over summer the two of you could every so often take a bath towel each to enable you both to sit down somewhere shady and just have a go at some old or new pastimes? 

    It doesn't need to involve big budget stuff - just being sat together (in silence if the mood settles on you both) sharing a common activity / game / art / craft / preparing food - anything which involves moving your hands - can be surprisingly absorbing - which then can give your respective minds an escape and rest.

    The aim is achieving a restful state - effectively through constructive fidgeting.

    The good news is that many libraries sometimes run workshops for free about new hobbies.  You can borrow a library book to get new ideas and guidance.  If reading is not your thing -; YouTube videos can unlock something puzzling about a new hobbie idea.

    When I was a small child; my Mother got a large old biscuit / sweet tin which (rather grandly!) became named "the art box".  Over time, we would find new bits and pieces we might enjoy together and stash them in there for repeat or future fun.  It was easily portable - we could take it with us to a local park.

    I still own "the art box" (...mumble) decades later. 

    When I have eaten breakfast today - I will get the tin out and photograph the treasured, work-weary, contents - in case those humble contents were to provide inspiration for you and your daughter (to begin your own "busy hands" collection together).

    The big hint: the contents need not be "age appropriate".

    Nobody else makes the rules about what each of you value and enjoy to include in your box / tub / tin. 

    The things do not need to be fashionable or fancy - just the portal to having some fun - your way - on your terms.

  • in reply to DormouseAtRest_25

    Hello. 

    Thank you for this! 

    I am going to absolutely tap into ‘busy hand’ activities. This is actually my happy place. Making things. Crafting. There is nothing quite like it for me. I can get lost for hours in my world of creating. I’ve only really allowed myself to do it in recent years if it’s making something with my little girl, but should be something I do alone also. Having a creative project to work on is my happiest past time. It’s great now that I can do things with my daughter. We have made some wonderful costumes, and her creative homework is always beyond ‘extra’. I do have a tendency to lose myself in this, even when she is over the activity. 
    We could sit together and do our own thing also. My daughter loves playing with slime, I can barely touch it, but just being near and doing our creative, busy thing sounds wonderful to me. 

    So special you have that memory with your mother. 
    Taking this to an outside space also sounds lovely. A couple of months ago my daughter wanted the tent up in the garden. Her and I spent the entire weekend in there playing with Lego and other bits. I didn’t realise how safe and happy I would feel playing inside a tent at 38 years old, and this was before I’d started to realise any of this. 

    Will be wonderful to see you pictures of your treasured art box. Thank you for sharing something so sentimental. We will definitely look to get a box of our own! 

    I have a tin filled with buttons which I’ve just thought about. They were my grandmas. I have the fondest memories of playing with them for hours at my grandparents when I was little. I loved grouping them and matching them in colours and some of them felt so satisfying to touch. - some of my fondest memories were playing at my grandparents home with all the bits and bobs as a child. 
    Also my grandparents welcomed my deep interests, they made me feel good about my knowledge seeking and quizzing on certain a topics. I miss them dearly. 

    thanks again, and have a lovely day. 

  • in reply to L11HE

    The contents of the "busy hands", plus, portable too - so known as: "the art box".

  • in reply to DormouseAtRest_25

    Wow this looks like lots of fun, and so many options

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