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Hello. I’m new here. A sleepless night.

L11HE

Hello, 

I’m here after a huge realisation in recent weeks that I am likely autistic. 
This has come at a time of noticing trait’s within my beautiful little girl who has been struggling more and more. (Mostly at home, not being seen in school) Noticing what’s happening has been like a flashback of my own childhood. I’m doing everything I can to support her in ways I never was. Seeing my little girl struggle and wider family class her as ‘“too much” and “just as dramatic as you were” is hard. 
Searching what I can around how to best support my daughter has revealed so much more than I could have ever expected. This has all developed at a time when a number of professional and personal stressors, and a lot of change were building to the point I’ve been truly shutting down more and more. I struggle to function and simple tasks almost impossible.
I think I’m seen as gentle, meek, kind, and the ultimate people pleaser. I’m know to be very anxious and I struggle immensely with sudden change. I’m constantly battling inside in the office and at home, usually it’s the overwhelm of sounds, smells, noises, stuff everywhere. 
I have seen my GP and asked for a referral for an autism assessment for myself. My partner is not yet willing to discuss our daughter.
I have been implementing some new ways to help try and soothe her in her difficult moments. Removing all words in times of distress has been a huge help. Also giving her clear time cues for when we are changing tasks has been working better. 
I just wanted to come on here and introduce myself as I feeling i’m in a very sensitive space at the moment. I’m exhausted from life’s present challenges and pushing in for my beautiful child. Im unable to rest soundly as my mind is in some kind of overdrive. It’s like an old Vhs being played in double speed, I’m replaying so many parts of my life in this new context, and so much makes sense… all the struggles, the joyful parts too, the shutdowns and meltdown, the what I know have been misdiagnoses, the intensity of feeling so deeply, but not truly knowing what it even is I’m feeling. 
Apologies for such an overshare of an introduction. It’s an unbearably hot, sleepless night.
I’ve just found myself at what feels like the start of an unexpected journey, after the rug was pulled from under me, and the mask has somehow slipped. I don’t know what lies ahead but I just wanted to reach out in here. There are too many thoughts and feelings to fully know what it is I’m feeling right now. Something I’m certain of is that I feel very alone in all this at this early stage, and just hoped for a supportive space, to free some room in my poor head.  


Parents

  • Hello, don't worry your sense of feeling lost is normal. You are questioning lots of things that your world view was based on.

    Having been uninterested in looking at myself for decades, I came to the sudden realisation in January that here were too many things I could not explain, so I went looking. I did not expect to end up with ASD being the answer.

    It is strange how it takes so long to see it in yourself, but I also had reasons not to want to see it.

    Since you have come to this conclusion I expect you have done some online tests and started your research. It will become one of your special interests now.

    You may be in a vulnerable state at the moment. I'd advise being careful about making important decisions, try to put them off till you know how you feel. You may swing around as you try work out what you think and what is really you. It will take some time.

    Be kind to yourself and try to manage stress. You are hopefully on a path to having an easier less confusing life.

    Remember to look after yourself as well as your daughter. Don't feel guilty for spending a bit of time on yourself or saying no to some things. You will overthink everything because that's part of it, but try to include good outcomes in your thinking.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Hello. 

    Thank you for your message and sharing a little of your experience from the start of this year.
    It’s so interesting you mentioning your realisation came from acknowledging there were too many things you couldn’t explain.This realisation has offered explanation for me, and beyond my busy mind state it actually feels like it’s soothing and nourishing my soul. 
    This makes me excited really for what the future could actually look like for me. 
    that there could be a way for me to grow and allow myself to connect with all the parts of me I’ve pushed down for years. Reconnect with the things I LOVE, but have also felt shame in my adult years as to why I love them so much.

    I did some tests and that’s what prompted me to make the GP appointment. The more I read, the more I can relate and understand things about ‘my ways’ better than I ever could have imagined. 

    I hoping to be able to learn to really recognise my limits and when I need space before it gets too late. Already I am noticing those shifts in my bodily state sooner, which I think may be when the overwhelm is setting in. Those have always been the moments I just need to find a space to be alone.

    The biggest thing I want for me and model as a parent is on setting my boundaries and communicating this with others. Such a challenge!
    I want to be able to learn to say no when I need to, despite the anxiety and confusion of what someone will think of me, or what they might expect from me beyond what I can give. 

    I don’t think it’s going to be easy but I’m in it for the long haul and for the hopes of a clearer future for me and my little girl. 

    I can imagine you’ve been on such a journey of discovery since Jan. I hope you have experienced the learning and support you’ve needed. Thank you for your reply and advice it’s been so helpful to me. 

Reply
  • in reply to Stuart333

    Hello. 

    Thank you for your message and sharing a little of your experience from the start of this year.
    It’s so interesting you mentioning your realisation came from acknowledging there were too many things you couldn’t explain.This realisation has offered explanation for me, and beyond my busy mind state it actually feels like it’s soothing and nourishing my soul. 
    This makes me excited really for what the future could actually look like for me. 
    that there could be a way for me to grow and allow myself to connect with all the parts of me I’ve pushed down for years. Reconnect with the things I LOVE, but have also felt shame in my adult years as to why I love them so much.

    I did some tests and that’s what prompted me to make the GP appointment. The more I read, the more I can relate and understand things about ‘my ways’ better than I ever could have imagined. 

    I hoping to be able to learn to really recognise my limits and when I need space before it gets too late. Already I am noticing those shifts in my bodily state sooner, which I think may be when the overwhelm is setting in. Those have always been the moments I just need to find a space to be alone.

    The biggest thing I want for me and model as a parent is on setting my boundaries and communicating this with others. Such a challenge!
    I want to be able to learn to say no when I need to, despite the anxiety and confusion of what someone will think of me, or what they might expect from me beyond what I can give. 

    I don’t think it’s going to be easy but I’m in it for the long haul and for the hopes of a clearer future for me and my little girl. 

    I can imagine you’ve been on such a journey of discovery since Jan. I hope you have experienced the learning and support you’ve needed. Thank you for your reply and advice it’s been so helpful to me. 

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