Hi,
I'm a 58-year-old man, and only recently have I begun to wonder whether I might have lived my life with undiagnosed autistic (or neurodivergent) traits.
I’d appreciate perspectives — especially from others who came to these questions later in life.
A bit of background:
- I grew up in a household dominated by a highly controlling father. My childhood was spent adapting myself to please or reflect him. My mother died when I was 18; my sister passed away a few years later. I was diagnosed with cancer, myself, at 19 - but, was given the all clear. Loss and emotional suppression were part of the fabric of my formative years.
- As a child I felt like a spectator rather than part of things - something that has stayed with me and increased over the years.
- I’m very sensitive to sound.
- I constantly fidget with specific items I keep to hand for the purpose.
- I get obsessed with specific things eg. Learning an instrument, writing - and pour massive amounts of (solitary) time into doing them.
- I often felt relationships and their demise deeply. Sometimes, in my teens, resorting to self-harm to make myself feel better. But, this was never done with a serious intent to injure myself permanently - more a “signal”?
- Socially, I’ve always struggled. As a child I loathed being forced to socialise in groups. I can be charming, funny and socially fluent. But, it’s a performance that exhausts me. Alcohol became a customary way for me to numb the anxiety at parties and dinners. Over the last eight years most of my friendship group have fallen away. I might quarrel with a friend then avoid them. This would lead to me not going to “events” because the anxiety was overwhelming that they would be there and I would experience hostility. Eventually, people stopped asking. It’s a relief to no longer go to gatherings.
- With many of the people I called friends, I started to question why they were in my life. I basically reflected their behaviour back to them i.e. they got what they wanted from me - but I realised it was a one way street. I began to consciously stop doing that a while go and many people have gone with it.
- Other than friends, I generally find social interactions hard. They leave me feeling “good” I that I have been with people. But, often exhausted from having to interact. I prefer one-on-one conversations and find small talk meaningless/difficult.
- I find it hard to empathise with people. I know how to “perform” empathy. And I know when it needs to happen and that it’s a general good. But, I don’t really feel it much.
- I had some form of nervous breakdown 8 years ago. Largely unnoticed by those around me. I had therapy for several years which helped but no conclusions were reached.
- I am highly educated and functioning from that point of view. I’ve been a free-lancer in for 35 years. No one (including my partner and 2 children) would say that there’s anything visibly wrong with me. But, my increasing isolation, depression and social phobia would suggest otherwise. Also, over the years, I have had suicidal thoughts. Happily, though, those have abated.
- I feel I’ve spent much of my life maintaining an expectation other people have of me, which goes way back to childhood. Only in quite and rare moments do I seem to recognise myself and be at peace. This had led to a lifetime of feeling that I’m malfunctioning in some way and I should be able to “solve” myself. But, that’s never happened.
Does any of this resonate with others here? Would it be worth exploring further, possibly through formal assessment?
Thanks for reading.
