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Stimming

Springlite

Good morning

I am wondering how I can best support my son with his stimming. He was diagnosed with ASD as a young child. He did very well academically in school and was supported at university. He has a job that he says he enjoys and tightly structures his free time. He chooses to have  very little time that is unplanned. He has some support which he contributes to because he is working.

He has been stimming since he was very young and it appears  more frequent when he is stressed or under pressure and overwhelmed.  My concern is that it is becoming more frequent and more intense.  I worry he may do it at work which may have an impact on how his colleagues interact with him and may judge him harshly.  

He is a wonderful gentle kind and loving person. He seems to get on with people he works with but has no contact with anyone outside of work. He does many activities after work but again does not have contact with anyone outside of the activity.

I am unsure of how to discuss his stimming with him or even if I should as when I have tried he gets very defensive. What can I do which will best support my son without interfering. I love him dearly and just want to do what I can to support him.

Parents

  • It sounds like he a fully grown adult who is managing very well.

    I stim at work and around colleagues as well as at university, which includes intense stimming when stressed or under pressure, and in general people are fine with it as they are aware it is a part of my autism. My autism is not subtle, so for me it is easier to make those around me aware of it rather than allowing them to come to their own conclusions. They don't really care. I'm a fully capable worker who produces good things, and sometimes I need to have a period of jumping up and down while flapping so that I can go back to producing good work. While I've had periods of self injurious stimming, those only happen if I'm not stimming enough elsewhere. It's deeply important that I stim at work, or I can't do a full shift. 

    The not having contact with people outside of their designated contexts is an autism thing and it's something I also do. While it may seem unusual to you, I have no issue with it, and the majority of my friends also understand it. It's a perfectly valid way of socialising and it makes me happy. Your son is quite possibly also completely fine with this. 

    I'm worried this is coming across as confrontational, that's not my intention, but the impression I got from this post is that you are coming up with problems that I'm not sure exist. Your son doesn't seem to think there's a problem, and by raising it with him you are giving the impression that you think he is a problem.

    If the concern you have is that it's intensifying because of other pressures or stressors and you're worried about that, ask about the stress, not the stimming. 

    Why do you think he needs support in this? Do you have examples of it causing issues? Could it just be left as is?

  • in reply to Fibonacci Squid

    Thank you for your reply. I don't see it as confrontational. I appreciate you taking the time to answer me.  He says to me he wishes he had friends and that he feels sad and isolated a lot of the time, I guess that is why I am concerned.

    Regarding his job he seems to be doing well and is a lot happier than his last job where he seemed distressed a lot of the time. He says he just wants to be seen as normal and does not want people to know he has autism. He disclosed it to his manager but does not want anyone else to know.  Like you I feel it would be easier for him if those around him knew but as you say he is a grown adult and the choice is his.

    He tells me that he does not want to be defined by his autism and wants to be judged by his competence in his work. I have suggested that he should  celebrate his autism as it contributes to making him the wonderful person he is. This makes him angry and says he just wants to be like everyone else. 

    He is an amazing person but he does not see it and I suppose I just want to help him feel comfortable in his own skin.

  • in reply to Springlite

    In that case, he needs to be the one having this conversation. 

    You can't force him to come to these conclusions, he unfortunately needs to come to them himself. He may find it useful to talk to other autistic people, depending on your area this may be more or less difficult. But if he just wants to be like everyone else then that's not going to happen straight away. 

    It wasn't an easy process to decide that I was never going to be like everyone else, so I needed to be the best and happiest version of me, but I did get there, and your son will get there too. 

    It's going to take time though. I wish you luck. 

  • in reply to Fibonacci Squid

    Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me. I feel I need educating on the benefits of stimming and am reassured that you use it to help in your workplace an̈d he could too.

    It is helpful for me to hear how others navigate their lives. Although he has lived with the knowledge that he has autism for man̈y years he has not yet embraced it and I guess he has to find his own path through.

Reply
  • in reply to Fibonacci Squid

    Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me. I feel I need educating on the benefits of stimming and am reassured that you use it to help in your workplace an̈d he could too.

    It is helpful for me to hear how others navigate their lives. Although he has lived with the knowledge that he has autism for man̈y years he has not yet embraced it and I guess he has to find his own path through.

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