Fellow parents and carers,
I have no accolades or meaningful qualifications to administer advice other than my experiences and ultimately my numerous mistakes.
But let me start by saying this; and please listen carefully …you are doing a great job!
I know this because you care enough to research neurodivergence for ample time to happen chance upon my rambled written thoughts. So here we are…
Know that you won’t always get it right, seldom few do and those that claim to never make mistakes are either loose with truth or loose with reality, either way ignore these people and just accept nobody is perfect, everyone doubts themselves and at times we all get things wrong…and thats fine.
Accept that you WILL lose patience, you WILL raise your voice once in a while, and in fogs of exhaustion you WILL be inconsistent and sometimes mildly selfish in your choices, opting for the easy answer.
When these times occur, acknowledge them but don’t dwell on them, guilt shouldn’t consume you. If you allow them to, mistakes will masquerade in your mind as a helpful old friend but are really a passive aggressive acquaintance who drains you of energy and focus. Treat mistakes like the school bully, be aware of them but don’t let them close enough to harm you.
Judgement shouldn’t live in your house, nor should it be a prying neighbour,
It’s ok to do what you think is best.
You know best.
The people who stare and glare midway through a public meltdown have no more of a grip on their life as you do on yours and almost certainly couldn’t walk 10 steps in your shoes or half a step in your child’s. These people will spend less time in your life than a fit of hiccups and frankly, both should be remembered in the same way.
Look back on the bad days and ask yourself if you’ll recall it in 10 years time, if the answer is no, then it’s not been a bad day, just a challenge. Take the good moments from it and choose to focus on those. It may be the giddy flapping, the excited jumping, the stimming, the new two word sentence or the puzzle piece that finally got put in the correct place.
Little wins. Little wins are amazing gifts in life, as only you get to choose what they happen to be. Don’t be thrifty with these gifts, award them yourself liberally. They may be parcelled up as the new food that got tasted beyond your child’s tightly pursed lips, the slightly longer wait in the ice cream van queue, the first time of using a public toilet at the age of six and a half or the first trip to the shops without a crying fit.
Little wins are a deceptive gift. To others they may seem too small even for the Christmas stocking, but to you they may fill under the Christmas tree entirely. Know that your perception of the gift is the correct one, every time. Cherish them. Celebrate them openly.
Take time to look back and acknowledge progress. Identify what’s easier in your life now than it was a year ago. This progress is yours to own and should be a prized possession.
Accept help when offered. It’s ok to need help.
Rest when possible. It’s ok to need rest.
Tiredness is a rain cloud, do your best to stay dry. This can only be accomplished with the umbrella of help and support so utilise any you have on offer. When refreshed, the sun is brighter and its warmth is lovlier to bask in.
Being daunted is ok but don’t let it become fear. Fear will prevent you from doing what you know is right. Daunted is an awareness of scary. Fear is a surrender to it. Never surrender to it.
Push yourself.
Fear will isolate you and make your world small.
Always push yourself.
Try to stretch your child. You know their boundaries more than any other, so visit them frequently but never overstay your welcome. Your child will not thank you for this but will eventually benefit from your persistence.
Your persistence will develop their character, understanding and resilience. This in turn will enhance your child’s world and make it easier for them to inhabit.
Remember, our children’s world is a world we need to try and explore as well as them exploring ours. Enjoy their world, from my experience it’s simpler and far more fun than ours.
Be proud. Be proud that society isn’t designed for your child but they are still content enough to find happiness in it, every one of their smiles is attributed to something you have done right. I hope you can stand far enough back to realise this simple truth.
I’ll finish with a request to you, my fellow parent or carer. All I ask is, when you have learned how to follow the entirety of my advice… show me how.
