Hi I am Joy and I need a bit of advice

Thank you. 

I don't know where you are located but I do suggest you visit the MacMillan cancer support page / give them a call to see if they can signpost you to support services in your area.

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/in-your-area?pcode=

0808 808 0000   They truly are wonderful people, and will do their utmost to assist. 

I’m pleased you found Relate helpful too Debbie. I still remember some of the things I learned from them back then. Glad you and your ex are still friends. 

I am so sorry that you are going through such a ghastly time, but you will get through this. You definitely need to take care of yourself and take the pressure off regarding your partner’s behaviour and the house purchase. 

I wasn’t in poor health when my husband and I separated but just after the divorce was finalised I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a mastectomy and chemotherapy. Macmillan Cancer Support were very helpful and I know they could also support you in your current situation as that is part of their remit. It is about helping you to get on with your life. If you haven’t already been in touch with them, give them a call or visit them. My hospital had a Macmillan Centre beside it, they offered one to one support as well as meditation, reflexology, aromatherapy, massage and other things.

Thank you, this is a very complex and time critical situation.

I have just had cancer surgery and my moods have swung to anger and he just responds to me with rage and more anger. I know it’s my fault for being angry but I have just had my breast cut off and my mother just died so I’m feeling a bit of rage right now. I just can’t do anything right and he’s now tellin people he feels bullied by me. I am so low i don’t know what to do. 

ArchaeC said:

My ex husband and I went to ‘Relate’ years ago. Initially I attended on my own, then my husband reluctantly agreed to accompany me, making it clear he was doing me a great favour. Relate was invaluable in helping us to listen and understand the other’s perspective. I didn’t know I was autistic back then, yet the counsellor made it easy for me to decipher what my husband was actually meaning through encouraging him to be explicit (although it turned out he didn’t mean it — the councillor was brilliant in challenging his claims). It didn’t save our marriage, but the counsellor recognised that divorce was the best outcome for us and supported us

You had a similar experience to me.

It's many years ago too, but my partner and I went to Relate and the outcome for us was splitting up.

I too found that a very helpful experience although he struggles a lot more than I do with communicating his needs and discussing emotions.

We were both diagnosed autistic years later and are still friends now.

I’m so glad that you have contacted Relate and I hope you meet with a counsellor as skilled at meeting your needs and of understanding you and your situation as mine was. 

My divorce was finalised many years ago and I rarely think of my marriage and ex now. I’ve definitely moved on from it thanks. 

You have a plan for now, so I hope you have a better evening and can get a good night’s sleep. 

Thanks so much for that link. I’ve emailed them for an appointment. I hope you’re doing much better now you’ve moved on with your life. I am sorry it didn’t’ save your marriage, I don’t expect counselling will save mine but I think being told I’m not crazy and then I can move on and away from all of it. 

agree with ArchaeC - the last thing you want right now is potential extra financial burden of going through with buying the house: fees, stamp duty, mortgage redemptions and potentially negative equity (from quick sale following recent purchase).  I would call your solicitor tomorrow and better still send them an email confirmation following the call on what was agreed.  Good luck sorting it all out too

I am unsuitable to be advising anyone about their relationship, but if I were in your situation, I would be concerned about purchasing a house.

The only marriage counselling organisation I know of is Relate. 

https://www.relate.org.uk

My ex husband and I went to ‘Relate’ years ago. Initially I attended on my own, then my husband reluctantly agreed to accompany me, making it clear he was doing me a great favour. Relate was invaluable in helping us to listen and understand the other’s perspective. I didn’t know I was autistic back then, yet the counsellor made it easy for me to decipher what my husband was actually meaning through encouraging him to be explicit (although it turned out he didn’t mean it — the councillor was brilliant in challenging his claims). It didn’t save our marriage, but the counsellor recognised that divorce was the best outcome for us and supported us in the decision. My husband refused to return to Relate, but I continued for a few more sessions. It is largely down to the Relate counsellor’s skill, experience and understanding, that I got through the whole traumatic process.

I like living on my own with my dog, although sometimes it would be nice to have someone to talk to if there was a problem or issue. 

If you are intending to sign a contract, or pay the balance final cost on the house next week, I would think you might need professional legal advice regarding your financial legal obligations, should you choose not to continue with the purchase. Perhaps consider contacting your solicitor or Citizen’s Advice. 

Thanks for sharing this. It’s really appreciated. 

Thank you so much 

Hi and welcome to the community. I understand that you are going through a difficult time and I empathise, however It will be up to your partner to decide if he wants to pursue a.diagnosis - as someone on the spectrum with a partner also probably on it, I can tell you that we like to feel in control and it can be hard to compromise sometimes. So I suggest not talking to him about it, but just approaching things as if he is autistic and then see if that helps.

There is an article on this website aimed at partners of autistic people, which might help you:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/family-life-and-relationships/family-life/partners

I wish you well with your recovery and with your relationship.

I'd advise you speak to Primary Care in your area which you can either arrange online, or via your GP.   They can often facilitate couples counselling.

Thank you so much for your reply. 

We are in a very tricky situation. This has been ongoing for 17 years now and we split up, reconciled and as of next week supposed to buy a house together. I will take on the lionshare of that mortgage. I’m not sure I can commit to that - I need a couples counselled so any ideas where to search would help. Time is critical. supposed to close very soon. It’s a nightmare. 

I really really appreciate your reply. I don’t think I’ve ever been so stressed at what’s supposed to be the most peaceful time I have right now. 

Welcome to the forum.

You are certainly free to ask what you like.  I can't promise any responses are going to be helpful - it all depends on whether any of us has relevant experience - sometimes anecdotal - that we can share to perhaps assist.  

The simple fact is that there is no way to compel an adult into getting an Autism diagnosis, no matter how much evidence and belief you have. Indeed, by the sounds of it, it may well be counter-productive in your situation to tell him that he should go down that path if he is so vehemently against investigating the possibility.

You may be right.  But there it has to end. I suggest you try and find some quiet time to sit down and discuss your after-care, and if he is able & willing to contribute to it.  Perhaps this time apart will allow some re-focusing.

Recovering from your surgery has to be the priority.  Attending to your relationship and discussing how you'll address issues within it can come later - even if that means with the intervention of a third party, potentially.

I wish you well.