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Considering a diagnosis

McFrost

Hello,

I am a 45 year old, married father of two who has just realised he is autistic. I don't know why it took me this long and I have even been thinking about the possibility for the last seven or eight years without ever deciding. I have just listened to Pierre Novellie's book "Why can't I just enjoy things" and had the light bulb moment you hear about. Suddenly everything about me makes sense. My difficulty socialising, my problems with eye contact, my reaction to certain noises, rigid thinking etc etc. I love being on my own and have realised that this is because I can stop masking and be myself.

I run my own business so a diagnosis isn't going to make any difference to my work life and I feel that my wife does make a lot of allowances for me in our life together, in that she doesn't try and force me to socialise when I don't feel up to it like maybe she did in the past, but  I think it will help us both understand where the other is coming from better and hopefully allow us to compromise more.

I do have rigid thinking on how things should be done but I have never imposed that on her, I am more likely to just stop engaging with her on something if I don't feel like she is listening to me, she then takes that as acceptance on my part and I lose the plot when she just goes ahead and does something. I am hopeful that it can help us find a way of communicating better with each other. I.e. me communicating at all and her just coming to me with half thought out brain dumps that confuse the hell out of me and make me want to just end the conversation immediately!

I haven't discussed this with my wife or anyone else yet but my realisation that I am sure I am autistic has already bought some comfort after years and years of feeling that there is something uniquely wrong with me and not knowing why or what it is.

I have also realised that my 13 yr old son is almost certainly autistic as well. It is less clear to me how to best proceed here as there are no major issues to be dealt with. He is very bright academically and is doing very well at school and has a good, small, group of friends. I worry about upsetting that and making him think there is something "wrong" with him, if that thing is not causing issues currently. However, I am aware that issues may come up later in life when he goes to university and then starts looking for a job. I am heartened that many workplaces (and presumably universities) now take neuro divergence seriously and I think that knowing this thing about himself when he's a bit older can only help. I just don't want him to view it as an impediment when I think that, in the right environment, he can really do well.

Any advice on that last bit, gratefully received.

  • Hi MattFrost, welcome to the forums. I am new myself and probably in a similar type of situation after reading your post here. Still making sense of stuff but hopefully the more experienced hands can be more helpful

  • in reply to McFrost

    I'm coming from a slightly different direction, I was diagnosed just before Christmas and I've yet to tell anyone and that includes my wife and kids. I just don't know where to start, I don't know if I'm fearful of rejection or disbelief. They know some of my issues around low mood and social battery difficulties but not the full picture. I'm seeing a psychologist who will hopefully help me figure it out.

  • Just wanted to update here. I have finally had the conversation with my wife. I have been putting it off and putting it off - so many opportunities to start the conversation that I didn't take. I think I was a bit scared of what I had to say being rejected and how that would make me feel.

    Anyway, she immediately totally agreed that I probably was autistic , and our son as well. I had previously wondered if this might be the case, but she asked me a question in annoyance the other day that made me doubt it, but I guess it must have come out of a lack of understanding rather than empathy 

    I would really like now to give her as much information as I can to help me explain how autism affects me because some of the things she said, although she was definitely sympathetic and caring, made me realise how difficult it must be for a NT person to grasp what it's like.

    We're going to hold off on saying anything to my son until I start the diagnosis process. I don't want to be on a waiting list for 8 years so will look at the right to choose route or private if necessary. Hopefully, in discussing this with my son, a few things will resonate with him.

    For the first couple of days after I had my realisation I felt quite happy about it and felt the knowledge would really help me, however, I had a near meltdown when we had a load of my younger sons friends round one evening and the noise became too much. I have never before had to leave the house before I lost it but I just had to get out and drive somewhere quiet. A few minutes after leaving I calmed down and felt incredibly guilty about leaving the house so abruptly. Ever since then I have had terrible anxiety, stopping me sleeping. It has abated a bit this week after a fun weekend away with my family but last week I was on the verge of asking for a quicker appointment with the GP to see if I could get something to help. I would really rather not medicate though, so, as I have improved, will see how I go.

  • Hi and welcome. I realised I was on the spectrum about 8 years ago, when I was in my fifties. I don't think a diagnosis would really have helped me either, but the realisation and learning about autism did.

    Hope you find the forum useful.

  • in reply to McFrost

    I think maybe if he has struggles in the future then you can tell him, or try to convince him to therapy. I know one person with strong autistic traits and struggling a lot. I told their family they should have therapy. But it’s a different situation this person is not my family member. 

  • in reply to Bunny

    Thanks for the book recommendation Bunny. I have had a look and some of the descriptions in the reviews of how a neurotypical person might struggle in a relationship with someone with ASD just make me more certain. In fact it makes me wonder if my wife knows full well and won't be in the least surprised!

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth

    Thank you for your advice and your very kind words. I think you are right about not just telling him outright when there are currently no real issues to speak of.

  • Hi, I think if your sons autistic traits do not cause him issues, then it’s better to not say anything. It’s for you, if he ever comes to you with an issue or you notice he is struggling, you would understand him better with this knowledge, know where he is coming from and how to understand and help. He is lucky to have a loving and understanding father. 

  • Hi - welcome to the community and congratulations on your self realisation!

    In respect of both you and your son, you might find the advice here helpful:

    NAS - Deciding whether to seek an autism assessment

    It's great that your wife is already so supportive of your needs. To help even more, you might both find this book helpful. It focuses on helping autistic + neurotypical couples to optimise their relationships through improved mutual understanding and communication, complete with exercises that you can both complete and discuss, if you wish:

    Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

    (It was written when "Asperger's" was still a diagnostic term, whereas it's now simply diagnosed as autism / Autism Spectrum Disorder).

    Caveat: between one issue / scenario and the next, the author keeps switching the gender pronouns around. In one scenario, the male is autistic, but in the next it's the female, etc. This can be confusing, and I kept needing to check and remind myself "which partner is autistic this time?" But, for me, the benefits were still worth it.

    The NAS also has some related advice here:

    Family relationships - a guide for partners of autistic people