Hi,
Over the years it's become apparent that my 8 year old daughter is autistic. She's lived with me now ( court ordered ) for about 3 years as her mother just couldn't cope with her no more.
Unfortunately it got to the point where her mother just couldn't cope and it obviously affected her own mental health.
Despite numerous trips to the drs explaining there is something underlying with our daughter and her behaviour, it was repeatedly fobbed of as " she will grow out of it " ..
It got so bad her mother pretty much gave up. SS was actively involved and due to the child's mother reaching a point of being burned out. SS conclusion was her mother is mistreating our child. ( Emotional abuse ).
Forward a few years, with me constantly battling with school, drs, Cahms etc School are finally on board with my daughter showing clear signs of autism.
I feel like I'm constantly jumping through hoops, being directed here, to be told to go here, and seemingly going round in circles.
This whole process of finding the correct support has cost me my job, my girlfriend and my own mental health.
My parents are kind of supportive. But not in the kind of support I require. No matter how much explaining, they simply just do not get it.
My previous employer would not let me reduce my hrs to be able to do school runs. I managed to hold down full time employment for about 2 years, while battling with SS, drs, school, Cahms, everything imaginable.
It got to a point where I just simply could not manage. I took a year off work with stress/depression and finally gave up work.
I opted for private counselling which helped. Things were looking up.
I recently decided I'm fit to return to work and I am in training to be a taxi driver with flexible hrs.
The more I've learned about autism the more I realise I too tick many many boxes. I've always felt different to others, always preferred playing on my own as a child, didn't mix with others well, I stim alot and have always felt overwhelmed with normal day to day tasks. There's some days where I can wake up and just generally feel off, like I don't want to be seen, I don't want to talk to anyone and I just want to be on my own.
I have a history of low mood, depression. I look back now and I think I'm just autistic and the low moods and feelings of being overwhelmed have all been misdiagnosed as depression.
I've just been given keys to a flat for my daughter and I. I'm already feeling extremely overwhelmed with it all. I'm getting in more and more debt, I can't seem to manage letters, bills, on top of parenting my child, training for work etc it's just all to much for me.
I had to do a medical for my taxi training which they failed me as I have a history of low mood and depression which I now feel it is actually because I'm autistic and I struggle to navigate this world. I'm 37 by the way..
So I've now booked another Dr appointment for next month where I'm going to lay the cards on the table.
I don't even know if I can work. My daughter will regularly miss school, the meltdowns are so extreme she's scratched her hand till it bleeds, I've seen her rip out her own hair etc.
Drs, school are all aware. I've even had to call 999 on 4 occasions.
I'm now at the stage where I simply just don't know what to do anymore. Who to turn to, how to get help.
I'm extremely burned out. This will sound so bad and I'm actually in tears writing this but it's hard being around my daughter now. I know it's not her fault and I'm her safety net and I always will be and I have a deep deep understanding and empathy about her.
But there's just times where I feel I need to just run away and go regulate myself.
I feel I'm overwhelmed with her being overwhelmed and it's just a cycle of dread.
I can't manage anything anymore. I try to get back into work and I'm kicked down. I try and get my daughter the correct help and I'm kicked down. It seems where ever I turn I'm knocked down.
I feel I am a single autistic parent trying to parent an autistic child and I simply do not know where to go from here.
I'll go to the drs. I'll tell them I think I'm autistic. And doing that no doubt will just be even more information to try and take in and process on top of everything else which will no doubt have a negative affect.
I'm all out of ideas.
X
