Hello
My name is David.
I feel very foolish writing this message to this board: I would also ask you to forgive me for what I know will be a long text.
I have been on a journey for about three years now. I turned 70 nearly six months' ago and I have begun to feel that I should do something about the conclusions that I have been formulating.
I have come to think that, in some way, to some extent, I may be autistic.
This feels like a sort of coming out letter since I am also gay.
And that, in itself, is, I think, a part of the mix as to my current reassessment of myself and my growing up.
I was a very bright child/youth/young adult, quick witted, observant, a mimic, keenly assembling a thesaurus of the patterns contained in the interplay between body language and tone of voice, loving the ordered, rule-based routine of school life in the 1950s and 60s, academically outstanding but easily bored when I realised I had achieved an initial mastery of any subject.
Nevertheless, I knew that I was different.
Puberty brought an increasing realisation that I was attracted to other lads. I developed an understanding, over many years, that my sense of difference could be attributed simply to my being gay.
I believed (and still believe that this is partly true) that my development of certain behaviour patterns was a way of projecting a heteronormative persona in a very homophobic world.
Fast forward to the 2020s.
My partner experienced a psychological collapse a decade ago and, following clinical diagnoses of CPTSD and BPD, has been working towards an accommodation of his past and his future.
I have walked down that road alongside him, met some extraordinary people and have encountered many challenging ideas about Neurodiversity. I now have at least two close friends who acknowledge that they are neurodiverse.
I have resisted jumping to conclusions.
However, it feels to me as though I keep finding evidence which enables me to view my life from an entirely different perspective.
If I may…
I invited many acquaintances to my 30th birthday party in 1984. A number of my friends did not attend and none of my work colleagues attended. I was upset by this. It turned out that they had been upset that I had not invited them. I told them that I had assumed that they would know that they were all included and invited because they were special to me. They were confused by this misunderstanding as was I.
So, I feel that I need to start making enquiries and getting some questions answered.
I have tried some online questionnaires which tell me that there is a distinct probability of my being quite high on the autistic spectrum.
However, I have an inbuilt distrust of such systems as I am never sure whether I am answering the prompts honestly or because I am following a pattern.
I am not requiring any definitive statements from anyone on this electronic forum.
What I would be grateful for are informed suggestions as to where I can take my desire for clarity.
I am not interested in a clinical diagnosis. That's going to take an age and I have done very well out of life so far. However, at 70, I feel that I no longer have the energies needed to maintain those strategies I have developed to mask the way that I perceive and interact with the outside world.
I'm asking if anyone can suggest what my next best step should be.
Many thanks for reading until the end.
David