hi
I have read on here about issues between husbands and wives and this was and continues to be my problem and i really don't know what to do about it and how to handle it.
I was with my husband for 15years and at the start we were inseperable but not without its strange problems. We never argued about putting out the rubbish etc it was always the same thing. I felt forgotton. I saw it written somewhere, like two insulating wires touching but not connecting.
I thought we were soul mates and we shared everything, but there was always something i couldn't put my finger on. we went on to have two children and he was a great hands on dad. the best. but as time went by and we went out socialising he would disapear from early on, returning occasionally but then never come home with me as he would want to go on to party.
so he went from awkward early in the evening to a drunken party animal later. His actions were hurtful for years and he would end up doing other things and i would try to talk to him and eventually after ages of talking (from me) i would get more upset and argue with him. Whilst most of the time he would look like he was looking through me.
as time went on he just found me irritating. the arguing was too much and he didn't seem to have any idea why i was like that. I was dealing with what felt like two personalities and neither were aware of the other. I felt like I was losing my mind.
He had what we named a 'breakdown' about 7 years ago. he started losing weight and became very distant. then when questioned he admitted to not loving me and broke up the marriage but would not leave the house. we had councelling. the counceller could see he may have been in the room in body but not in mind. we tried all sorts. i tried photos of the family and storys etc etc. then 9 weeks later he literally just 'snapped' out of it. he wouldn't go to the dr. life would just carry on but he was devastated by his behaviour.
it wasn't long til he started to slip back in to old ways. it was awful and got worse. i felt tremendous guilt as i couldn't get through to the unpleasant side of his personality and definatly not the drunk side and the lovely side i was just so resentful towards.
he lost his father suddenly and i was very supprised to see him return from the funeral and trip with his family after 2 weeks seemingly unaffected. He said he did not do regrets or guilt.
few years later he lost his mum too. she drunk herself to death not before several years of very strange forgetful behaviour that we were powerless to help.
he wouldn't let me go to help with the family and he refused to let me go to the funeral which we argued a lot about and eventually i went anyway as we were all close and i hadn't got to go to his dads funeral.
he delt with it on his own away from everyone else. he started to change more and more and eventually told me that his feelings for me were changing. of course i was upset and tried to do all i could. the councellor he had on his own previously had told him that it was down to him not communicating with his wife and to keep a track on this. so together we talked about stratergies that i could implement should the need arise.
after him telling me his feelings were changing i tried to talk to him. he said that with my strength and stratergies we could sort it out.
the subject was never raised again. this happened often. he would say something then not talk about it and moan at me if i tried to. he was moody and aloof and became very very cold. The things he said to me as if it were my fault for not trying hard enough or not trying the right way......would alternate with how much he loved me and never wanted to break up. It could be from one minute to the next.
eventually it got awful and he had very little to do with me or the children. he told friends he felt nothing for us. He would take real memories and swap them for something else that wasn't true.
long and short of it he broke up the marriage again and told me to leave. which he will still deny before i even left. the children and i had to go in a hurry and relocate as we couldn't afford to stay in the area. he had nothing to do with this and saw himself as the victim. He got involved with another lady, which he had done before but seemed to see it in a very juvenile way as if because he had done nothing physical then i was upset about nothing.
He character has been as if he is complelty unaware of what is actually going on around him. This in itself is very hurtful but it is so much more than that. My youngest son has enough ASD traits that he has the extra help and support and i have battled for this for a long time. He also has a very slow processing rate. Further investigation is going on. I have daily struggles and since moving to a new area, home, school, away from family and friends it has been one struggle after another. my kids are amazing but we have all needed councelling due to the trauma.
I see so much of my ex in my son, but my son is not my ex, he is his own amazing character but i want to help him as much as i can and do the right thing.
this year my ex has asked to take the kids abroad. i didn't say no you can't but i said i was too worried to agree to it. he didn't understand and so asked. i tried really hard to be careful with my words as i have been very worried about his stability and state of mind.
i have told him about our son needing the help but he did already know this and dismissed it as me being wrong overprotective.
so i don't get his support, (financially maintenance yes), i can't share or tell him about the kids, he knows nothing, he asks nothing, he sees them once a month.
all seems fine when they are togther but i think my 13 year old is more mature than his dad.
i know it will sound awful but even when he has said he's shed a tear i'm not even sure what that tear is for. he has been so cold and cruel with his words and actions. i have thought for some time he is on the spectrum and has terrible depression. ADD? i've even considered narcism, psychopathic traits....i just dont know. we split up 18 months ago and now to try to perseude me to let him take the kids abroad he has written to me (he stopped verbal communication very early on) to tell me about when the children and i first left and he went down a very dark path and how he got himself into extra curricular things and sorted himself out and its all about him again. How he stayed in his job of years. One of his councellors told him years ago he is a 'functioner'. meaning he can carry on holding down a job and looking fine even when he isn't.
I have lived with his hurtful strangeness for a long time and its left its scars. i am still trying to figuer it out as we still have to have the contact when he is going to visit the children. When i am faced with him on the doorstep the most said is a hello between us. it is strained. I remember the great man really well, but i think he is long gone, but it hurts and i feel guilty as i'm not sure how much he comprehends. he describes himself as the victim.
I keep talking about the children. He says he is a devoted father but theres not a lot of evidence. its words. sorry lots of waffle and doesn't describe all of it, but enough i think that something may or may not sound familiar.
another one of the councellors did suggest he get tested but there is no way he would ever agree to that. He sees nothing wrong.
any advice?
my son with the ASD traits is a fun loving extremely caring, sensitive young man who worries lots and has OCD. I am in regular contact with the school as since attending secondary school he has had back to back detentions and getting into trouble for not doing enough work or quick enough or understanding it or remembering to use the word 'mam' when addressing the teacher!
its just making him very unhappy and angry with school. got another appointment coming up with advanced speach and languages. myself and my son have both attended workshops for ASD. luckily i have a supportive family who listen to me. i even took a course in EFT to help with the emotional aspects of things. It did help a bit. i need to work at it.
unfortunatly we had a carbon monoxide scare last year and it was awful and that has stayed with my son and he has an issue with science class now and any funny smell.
theres more to the story but i'll add as i get to know the forum better and other people.
thank you for reading if you made it this far!
