Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I’m Amanda, soon to be 36 years old. I’ve recently come out as Lesbian and have been together with my partner for just 2 months, I have also only just been diagnosed with ASD 1 in July this year.
My girlfriend has just got a new job which has completely sent me off kilter as she is working until 10pm, unpredictable shifts and it’s really upset my routine, I’m finding myself unable to mange my emotions about this as I feel like I’m not seeing her as much and it’s causing me great anxiety, I also have an anxious attachment (mainly to do with my upbringing) and I try and manage this in the best way possible but I’m finding myself over reacting as I don’t know how to deal with this change in routine - it is causing disagreements and I don’t want to cause her stress as this is a job that she really wanted to do.
There has been so many changes in my life in the last 3 months I just don’t know how to deal with everything and I don’t want to mess this up. I think falling in love causes all sorts of crazy emotions even for people who are neurotypical but I think with ASD and anxiety the emotions are so heightened ! Does anyone have any advice ? I feel like she is my soul mate and I want to be with her all the time but I know I can’t! I’m finding myself getting all ate up if she doesn’t respond to my texts but then feel guilty as I know she’s busy !
thanks in advance
Now, there are in my experince two sorts of "relationship anxiety", the one where you have good cause to be anxious, and the one where you do not.
Sounds like you have the nasty one, like I get from time to time, which is why despite being a nearly old man I believe I can offer you some advice on this.
Keep it to yuorself, and deal with it yourself UNLESS it turns into the first type of anxiety which is NOT entirely your probem, say for example if your partner starts hiding things from you (be very careful to be sure that they were actually hiding things from you) or lying to you. Again be sure before taking action.
Communicating mistrust of your partner (which is what such anxiety will be received as) is of course a relationship killer.
If the anxiety raises itself to psychotic levels, I.E. starts to really dominate your thoughts then I am afraid, you now have a lot of unpleasant and secret work to do, along the lines of "trust but verify". I first sit down in a quite place and have a good talk to myself. I challenge myslelf to justify my anxiety, and identify the cause of it.
As a Christian I see my relationship anxiety as either a warning, OR and attempt by satan to destroy my happiness, you may substitute, the phrase "an unwanted psycholgical artifact", either way I don't like it and it has to go.
So having had a long talk to myself I can decide if my anxiety has any real basis that needs investigation, or I will have worked out that I am being stupid and insecure, adn shoudl stop ding that immendately adn go clean soemhting, or fix somehting or do anything but give it any more time, because I know I was being stupid.
IT's MY anxiety, MY problem, and I'm still not going to share it with my partner. Sharng such things might work on T.V. but not so much in real life especially early on n a relationship. I love my partner, why share such a buzz kill.
However if after talking to myself, I realse that my anxiety is only "probably stupid" and thus it cannot be easily banished, then it's time to "collect evidence" that will defnitely prove that you have something to worry about in your relationship. Take your time, figure out the minimum effort you need to expend to obtain the evidence to be positively sure you have cause for concern, and without being caught, (most important that) go looking for it..
Why this is a bad strategy (in my opinion) you have to be sneaky and act in a way that you know would really, really upset your partner if you get caught.
Why this is a good strategy (In my experience) is that your anxiety over your relatiohship actually gets dealt with and doesn't just fester and corrupt your joy over time. Confronting your self can be done as much as you want without upsetting anyone else. Every time you "fail to find the evidence" weakens that particular form of anxiety. NOTE: Make damn sure before you start sneaking about that the thing(s) you will be monitoring or looking for really are "reliable indicators" the purpose of the testing is to get useful information. When after a few occasions you keep coming up empty your anxiety will reset itself to a new more comfortable "sensitivity" and bother you way less.
I've used variations of this approach to tackle all sorts of anxieties of all sorts and it's been golden for me.
Not saying it will help anyone else of course, but it might...