Published on 12, July, 2020
This is a genuine curiosity I have. I've noticed from some posts and replies I've read that it sounds like some people here are friends with each other - I'm not sure what that means exactly, but let's say at least that those people seem to communicate with each other on a regular basis, maybe it means more. My question is how did these develop? When I consider the stages of making friends, in my life it seems to go:
So I always seem perpetually stuck at steps 1 and 3. I'm interested in other people's experiences.
It is only recently that I have used the word "friend" to describe a relationship with some I know. For the past 20 years I would have used other labels - "colleague", "acquaintance", "someone my wife knows", and so on.
I've realised adult friendships are a lot harder than when I was a child, for a variety of reasons, but I have ideas stuck in the past regarding that. I'm trying my best to think differently about it so I can move forward.
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You might find the advice here helpful:
Making friends - a guide for autistic adults
I'd also suggest keeping in mind that "friend" can be used as a term / label by some online forums and platforms without it necessarily having the same meaning as it would in normal, day-to-day life. So it shouldn't always be taken entirely literally - which, of course, we can be prone to doing.
For example: I doubt that every user of Facebook necessarily considers everyone on their friends list to be an actual friend (vs, say, acquaintances). This community is the same: we can ask others to be our "friend", but those personal connections may not actually yet be anywhere near the stage of a friendship as we might normally expect to use the term.
Putting myself through experiences, however uncomfortable, is something I'm good at. When I've made a decision I'm resolute in seeing it through.
I also have to remember to set my expectations accordingly, which I often forget to do.
Talking to new people online is a new experience for me, so feels a little like learning new social rules. Useful though, thanks.
I have had a few public interactions with someone, I then request to be their friend on here, and spend a bit more time in private messages getting to know them a bit more.
Sometimes it develops, other times not. In the cases where it develops, I politely ask if I can reach them on a different platform (where it's easier to keep up a conversation).
It's a bit of a lottery but me personally, I don't go into those conversations expecting to make a friend. I just aim to get a feel for them and see how it goes.
pdaddio83 said:Meeting someone new, have basic conversations with them ??? (Something happens here which I don't understand)
The connection between steps 1 and 2 is finding common ground, whether in your enjoyment of a subject, sharing opinions on something, having similar experiences or ambitions etc .
With this shared connection you can build a relationship and a rapport around this and expand it to cover other areas where you may differ but become curious about the other persons views.
Once a certain point is reached you move into friend territory - it varies from person to person and it is a malleable thing where you may find the other person has an opinion which turns you against them.
I believe most autists struggle with step 2 because we are poor at the social interactions that build on that shared appreciation element.
It can be resolved by learning about some of the rules around social interactions and small talk but my experience here is that most autists are unwilling to learn these basic skills because it involves interacting with people and puting in effort in a subject they are uncomfortable with.