How to Make Friends and Get Back Out There

I'm still struggling with the grief of it all but baby steps!

It's good to hear your starting anew!

I'm 27 years old too and share your struggles. I did have friends but I messed up, thus pushing them all away and having to start from scratch.

I think I've realised the importance of similar interests, rather than "you're autistic like me which means we'll get along", which isn't guaranteed. 

Hello Hallow and welcome.

I am 27 years old and in a similar situation. I  find it difficult to make friendships. I hope this community helps and just be your wonderful autistic self! I can resonate with the isolation. My diagnosis only came this year and before that I was resistant to put myself out there due to bad experiences in the past.  I am also figuring myself out and managing associated difficulties I have. That might make you feel less alone in your journey. I haven't got all the answers but I would just say take things at your own pace and in the meantime do things that make you happy. 

We also have similar interests. I also love cartoons, anime, animated films, etc. What are your favourites? I also like cooking when I can do it!

I also like drawing but I'm not great at it lol. That is a great skill to have! 

チラチラ said:

I'm having such a terrible time connecting with people IRL

This is a very common autistic trait from what I have seen on this site over the years and one for which there is no simple or quick fix.

I would suggest a bit of reading on friendship for autists (or aspergers to use a recently obsolete term):

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships - Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism - Temple Grandin, Sean Barron (2005)
ISBN: 9781941765388

An Aspie's Guide to Making and Keeping Friends - Attwood, Tony, Evans, Craig R., Lesko, Anita (2015)
eISBN 9781784501259

Friendships The Aspie Way - Wendy Lawson (2006)
ISBN-10: 1 84310 427 X

Social Skills for Teenagers and Adults with Asperger Syndrome - A Practical Guide to Day-to-day Life - Nancy J., Ph.D. Patrick (2008)
ISBN 9781843108764

If you can, I would get a therapist with skills in dealing with younger autustic adults and work on ideas, role play and plans with them to help you prepare to improve your skills in this area.

While it would be great to find those who can accept us just as we are, this is rare in the world and we have to use some skills to understand how to work in social situations and talk to others. The above books can help with some of this and there is likely to be a degree of trial and error as you get into the subject.

The key things are:

Be patient and pace yourself - you are learning a new skillset in many ways and it will take some getting used to.

You will make mistakes. If anyone is affected then apologise if it is your fault, learn from the situation and don't let it hold you back,

Keep an eye on your "energy levels". It is quite possible to start to feel burnt out or that you are getting close to meltdown. Learn to spot this and disengage before it becomes overwhelming.

Realise that both you and others make mistakes. It is sensible to forgive some mistakes but if they are repeated then the chances are it isn't being done by incompetence but malice and consider if that contact is worth breaking off with.

Try to enjoy the interactions. Initially you may well get wrapped up in the mechanics of the interactions - considering if you are doing it right etc, but try to take some pleasure from it if you can - the feeling of communicating with another person, the shared experience, the exchange of knowledge or whatever is involved.

Make sure to listen as much as you talk. Autists can be over-sharers so consider allowing a break in the flow of talking to let the other person get a word in.

Just some rough and ready tips - I hope you find them helpful.

Hey Hallow,

I respect your views, I took time to read and reply to you, and you're looking for friends. And I hope that you find some, wherever you choose to go. I suppose because my gender, race, and identity, does not matter much to me, it's hard for me to give so much attention to those things towards other people. If I don't care about sports, it's hard for me to pay attention to that, even if other people love sports. I hope that makes sense. Anyways, all the best to you. 

So I've noticed most of the replies are from very active members in the community, so thank you for your comments.

I have to say this wasn't what I was expecting and I'm a bit taken aback.

Not sure how to feel about the comments about gender identity and the LGBTQIA community. I only mentioned my pronouns to introduce myself in a single sentence, yet was met with paragraphs about how this form of self-expression makes others uncomfortable & they don't really understand it. 

I was excited to read the comment but found myself quite disappointed and not sure how to respond. It took me a while to realise I didn't know how to respond because I didn't feel safe doing so.

I appreciate we all have different views and stances in life, I just wasn't expecting paragraphs about how confusing it is and how race, gender, and how others address you are completely irrelevant to some others. I appreciate past experiences may have created some confusion or negative connotations for others.... but I was literally just introducing myself.

Wasn't expecting it to garner such strong responses....

Not sure this forum is for me after all 

Welcome! I think a good place to start is knowing what you want out of friendships.

What are your hobbies & interests?

I can see you're a creatively driven person. You've moved to a new city, but I wonder what kind of friends you're looking for? What kind of traits do you value in a person, that you couldn't find from your previous friends and family?

I enjoy anime and cartoons, and I graduated college for animation. I've been a lead in printing, and a certified braille transcriptionist. I just study things on my spare time. I drew for a number of years, but my interests have evolved into other areas over time. 

I've fallen out with friends, mainly because of me getting carried away by my personal interests, that they feel ignored by me and get angry at me. So I just carried on studying my personal interests, and hoped they found someone else. 

I am not really into the pronoun thing, as I seen a few too many concerning things that made me uncomfortable. I never prized my identity much. I'd much rather have skills and knowledge and the ability to do things, rather than concentrate on what I look like, or what I want other people to address me by. What I look like doesn't matter. My race and gender doesn't matter. It's what I can do, and my capabilities as a person, that matters.  

I hope you do find some friends who you can talk to about things. Isolation is a worrisome state to be in, so I'm glad you're reaching out to try and find some friends. Having some socialization is important. I wish you the best of luck.