How to Make Friends and Get Back Out There

I'm still struggling with the grief of it all but baby steps!

It's good to hear your starting anew!

It's fun to get lost in something and lose track of time, which I'm guilty of doing most of the time. Exploring and discovering knowledge and developing skills, is just very fun. I can get so wrapped up in what I'm doing, that I lose all sense of self, and I suppose that I like that kind of feeling. I just enjoy writing things in a notebook, and studying things on my spare time. The knowledge just builds up over time. I hope many people learn many things over the course of their lives.

I'm 27 years old too and share your struggles. I did have friends but I messed up, thus pushing them all away and having to start from scratch.

I think I've realised the importance of similar interests, rather than "you're autistic like me which means we'll get along", which isn't guaranteed. 

Hello Hallow and welcome.

I am 27 years old and in a similar situation. I  find it difficult to make friendships. I hope this community helps and just be your wonderful autistic self! I can resonate with the isolation. My diagnosis only came this year and before that I was resistant to put myself out there due to bad experiences in the past.  I am also figuring myself out and managing associated difficulties I have. That might make you feel less alone in your journey. I haven't got all the answers but I would just say take things at your own pace and in the meantime do things that make you happy. 

We also have similar interests. I also love cartoons, anime, animated films, etc. What are your favourites? I also like cooking when I can do it!

I also like drawing but I'm not great at it lol. That is a great skill to have! 

What you said really resonates with me from the jealousy about doing a more precise job to the gender identity stuff since it didn't occur to you.  I admire how skilled you are in many things as I like to be that way myself.  There are some seriously intelligent and well read folks on here.  It really does blow my mind and fill me with admiration!!

チラチラ said:

I'm having such a terrible time connecting with people IRL

This is a very common autistic trait from what I have seen on this site over the years and one for which there is no simple or quick fix.

I would suggest a bit of reading on friendship for autists (or aspergers to use a recently obsolete term):

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships - Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism - Temple Grandin, Sean Barron (2005)
ISBN: 9781941765388

An Aspie's Guide to Making and Keeping Friends - Attwood, Tony, Evans, Craig R., Lesko, Anita (2015)
eISBN 9781784501259

Friendships The Aspie Way - Wendy Lawson (2006)
ISBN-10: 1 84310 427 X

Social Skills for Teenagers and Adults with Asperger Syndrome - A Practical Guide to Day-to-day Life - Nancy J., Ph.D. Patrick (2008)
ISBN 9781843108764

If you can, I would get a therapist with skills in dealing with younger autustic adults and work on ideas, role play and plans with them to help you prepare to improve your skills in this area.

While it would be great to find those who can accept us just as we are, this is rare in the world and we have to use some skills to understand how to work in social situations and talk to others. The above books can help with some of this and there is likely to be a degree of trial and error as you get into the subject.

The key things are:

Be patient and pace yourself - you are learning a new skillset in many ways and it will take some getting used to.

You will make mistakes. If anyone is affected then apologise if it is your fault, learn from the situation and don't let it hold you back,

Keep an eye on your "energy levels". It is quite possible to start to feel burnt out or that you are getting close to meltdown. Learn to spot this and disengage before it becomes overwhelming.

Realise that both you and others make mistakes. It is sensible to forgive some mistakes but if they are repeated then the chances are it isn't being done by incompetence but malice and consider if that contact is worth breaking off with.

Try to enjoy the interactions. Initially you may well get wrapped up in the mechanics of the interactions - considering if you are doing it right etc, but try to take some pleasure from it if you can - the feeling of communicating with another person, the shared experience, the exchange of knowledge or whatever is involved.

Make sure to listen as much as you talk. Autists can be over-sharers so consider allowing a break in the flow of talking to let the other person get a word in.

Just some rough and ready tips - I hope you find them helpful.

Printing combines design and computer knowledge, so both of those skills would be ideal to have. I enjoyed using all the different type of machines, and handling the different combinations of orders that came in. But printing can be a fast-paced and high pressure environment, because clients want things done right away, and can get rather angry about it. And if things go wrong, that's also something they could also get angry about. So it's not the right kind of job for everyone.

Braille transcription needs to be precise. To get certified, you need a to pass with at least 90%. 

I enjoyed the transcription work itself, but the organization I joined was about pronouns and identity, so I didn't make the greatest first impression, when they asked for my pronouns, but I didn't ask them about theirs (I didn't know I even had to), and there was a piercing silence, as if I rubbed everyone the wrong way.

While I was there, I would finish transcribing a book in a week or two, whereas they'd spend 6 months or longer to finish transcribing their books. So I'd finish transcribing a dozen books, before they even finished transcribing one, which intimated some people. I wasn't trying to outdo anyone though. I just wanted the books transcribed in a timely manner, so that the blind could finally get a chance to read the books that they've waited so long for. 

But I eventually went on my way into other avenues of life. I mean it was fun transcribing, and even though I was great at the work itself, I was obviously not their cup of tea, because I just didn't fit in with the gender identity stuff, and although I was friendly with everyone there and did my job well, without that gender identity stuff, I just stuck out in a negative way. 

Oh no, of course this community is for you! I appreciate you explaining you were just introducing yourself, I think it's so difficult to explain in text something without it coming across too strong.  Apologies if what I wrote wasn't the best. :-(

Hey Hallow,

I respect your views, I took time to read and reply to you, and you're looking for friends. And I hope that you find some, wherever you choose to go. I suppose because my gender, race, and identity, does not matter much to me, it's hard for me to give so much attention to those things towards other people. If I don't care about sports, it's hard for me to pay attention to that, even if other people love sports. I hope that makes sense. Anyways, all the best to you. 

So I've noticed most of the replies are from very active members in the community, so thank you for your comments.

I have to say this wasn't what I was expecting and I'm a bit taken aback.

Not sure how to feel about the comments about gender identity and the LGBTQIA community. I only mentioned my pronouns to introduce myself in a single sentence, yet was met with paragraphs about how this form of self-expression makes others uncomfortable & they don't really understand it. 

I was excited to read the comment but found myself quite disappointed and not sure how to respond. It took me a while to realise I didn't know how to respond because I didn't feel safe doing so.

I appreciate we all have different views and stances in life, I just wasn't expecting paragraphs about how confusing it is and how race, gender, and how others address you are completely irrelevant to some others. I appreciate past experiences may have created some confusion or negative connotations for others.... but I was literally just introducing myself.

Wasn't expecting it to garner such strong responses....

Not sure this forum is for me after all 

Welcome! I think a good place to start is knowing what you want out of friendships.

What are your hobbies & interests?

チラチラ

I do find it more difficult to connect with people as I get older because many of my interests are things I like to do alone.  I was glad to read your post as I have a friend who I rarely see because they have so many different interests and friends plus a partner so little time for much else.  I know how fed up I get when I'm trying to complete a creative endeavour and I get interrupted but I also feel hurt when I'm not a priority in a friends life because they'd rather do something else or be with someone else.  Relationships are hard work but my friend and I work through it because I give them space and they understand how I feel because their other friends think the same of them - that they're not the best at keeping in touch.  They suspect they have ADHD and so find it difficult to organise their time to get everything done.

I do hope everyone on here who wants to make friends is able to do so and finds solace in it. :-) 

Hullabaloo,

Can you tell me more about how you got into printing and being a braille transcriptionist, that really fascinates me and sounds like a brilliant job!  Very intriguing!

I'm glad you mentioned about the pronouns thing as I felt uncomfortable with it when I went to a Queer event.  The introductions of yourself included name, why you came to the group and your pronouns.  It's something I'd never considered about myself as like you, I'm just me.  It's one of the things about the evolving LGBTQIA+ community that tires and confuses me....

I can see you're a creatively driven person. You've moved to a new city, but I wonder what kind of friends you're looking for? What kind of traits do you value in a person, that you couldn't find from your previous friends and family?

I enjoy anime and cartoons, and I graduated college for animation. I've been a lead in printing, and a certified braille transcriptionist. I just study things on my spare time. I drew for a number of years, but my interests have evolved into other areas over time. 

I've fallen out with friends, mainly because of me getting carried away by my personal interests, that they feel ignored by me and get angry at me. So I just carried on studying my personal interests, and hoped they found someone else. 

I am not really into the pronoun thing, as I seen a few too many concerning things that made me uncomfortable. I never prized my identity much. I'd much rather have skills and knowledge and the ability to do things, rather than concentrate on what I look like, or what I want other people to address me by. What I look like doesn't matter. My race and gender doesn't matter. It's what I can do, and my capabilities as a person, that matters.  

I hope you do find some friends who you can talk to about things. Isolation is a worrisome state to be in, so I'm glad you're reaching out to try and find some friends. Having some socialization is important. I wish you the best of luck.