Am I autistic? (Long post)

Paper said:

This is another one that applies to studying children when they are playing. A neurotypical child will play with an object as a whole, e.g. pretending a car is a car, or a phone is a phone, and possibly involving other people in the play. An autistic child will focus on parts of the object, such as just the wheels of the car or how a particular part of it moves or functions, and examine that aspect of it intently without awareness of people around them.

This probably applies less to adults, although there may be ways it manifests. It's basically about being detail-oriented rather than seeing the big picture. Do you get very focused on the details?

Signs of this in adults would be preferring to continually make minor alterations to the parts of something, rather than coming up with something from scratch. A difficulty/inability to come up with an "outline" for a written piece of work (again, preferring to just write down all the details and then refine it over time). You might overthink things or struggle to generalise. When doing a task, you might focus on one small aspect of it to the exclusion of everything else and lose sight of the bigger picture.

Ahhhhh that would make sense… and yes, you’re right, I don’t think I struggle socially that much to really “count” as autism—I used to struggle socially in the past, but I don’t struggle nearly as much now. So it could very likely just be adhd, which I’m trying to be tested for anyways. Also thank you for the long post!! It really helped explain things clearly and I really appreciate that. Thank you!

Paper said:

When talking about body language they are referring to non-verbal communication, things such as how people (including yourself) sit, and what message it conveys. Do you use your hands much when talking and are you aware of how other people are moving and subconsciously understand what it means? The fact you weren't even aware of what this was asking might indicate you are lacking in these areas.

Ohhhhh… okay that makes sense. I personally sit in a lot of ways, but I usually tend to sit with my knees (or one knee) close to my chest, or criss-crossed when I’m able to. I don’t do this in public, often because there isn’t enough room on a chair to do so, but also because I know sitting that way draws attention which is something I try to avoid. It’s a bit irritating. Honestly I don’t remember if I use gestures a lot when talking now, I think I do, especially when I’m trying to explain something, but my mind went a bit blank on that, sorry. As for other people… I’m not sure, honestly. I can if I’m paying attention, which is more of an adhd thing than an autism thing tbh

Paper said:

I don't think there would be any difference between your family and everyone else if you struggled with reading facial expressions. But it's not universal, autistic people can read facial expressions but might be worse at it. Have you ever upset or offended people and not realised because you missed the messages communicated by their face, shoulders, arms etc? There are also some tests you can do to see how good you are at interpreting emotions on people's faces.

Yes, but only a few times (that I can remember). I think I mainly struggle with overthinking the expressions I read, moreso than actually interpreting them. Would you mind sending a link to those tests? If not I completely understand, I’ll try to look them up myself as well

Paper said:

Yeah this one is more for children and you are unlikely to remember it yourself. When you were a very young kid did people ever call your name and you didn't respond? You may have been hyperfixated on something or not seen the need to reply.

Ah, I don’t remember for that one in particular. But it wouldn’t surprise me

Paper said:

I'm not sure if this is about imaginative play or understanding of theories in psychology (studied abstractly). As a diagnostic criteria it's more useful in children, because in very young autistic children they will fail tests to understand what another person has knowledge of. But even that isn't a reliable test, because autistic children with a high IQ will get it right, and beyond a certain age nobody struggles with it.

(and etc ^)

I do tend to “project” myself onto others, but I also tend to use mirror neuron empathy (bottom up) a lot, uncontrollably. However I am still able to use top down empathy (or processing? I forget the correct terminology) if I put conscious effort into it. For instance, if a friend has a problem I’ve never dealt with or cannot relate to, I try to research the issue and imagine their emotional response to it based on common responses of people having the same or similar issue, and their emotional responses in the past

Paper said:

It's usually things like talking in a monotone, not varying how you talk to convey additional meaning, or sounding like a machine. Or every sentence having the same repetitive tonal pattern or going up and down repeatedly (sing song), which can sound kind of radio voice, it's difficult to describe.

Ohh okay thank you for the clarification! I don’t think this applies to me. I do tend to pause in my sentences, ramble, stutter using placeholder words (such as “um, uh, like, y’know, and er”), or mix up words or letters if I talk too fast (like, “look at that fluffy dog!” turns into “look at the dog fluff!” or even “look at that duffy fog!” or just “look!! *gesturing* dog! Fluffy! Look!!”) but I wouldn’t say that’s particularly unusual, not monotone or sing-songy 

Paper said:

It sounds like you have a lot of friends and relationships based on what you said in this section, but I don't know. When it's talking about difficult to make friends or maintain them, I think it means stuff like you barely or hardly ever had friends and never managed to keep them and don't even understand how a friend is made even if you wanted it.

Ahhh this makes more sense now. I do have a pretty wide social group but I have no idea how. I think I was just adopted? To my knowledge a friend is made when two or more people talk to each other, find each other mutually engaging and easy to understand, and decide to repeatedly share time, energy, or conversation together, whether through activities, conversation, or simply doing their own thing together (or at least in the same area, like a room or house)

Paper said:

Again this is mostly about children. It's called echolalia, and it's not done for any particular reason. It would just be like saying the same word over and over. Not just a word you are fascinated with, but actually repeating a word constantly for a period of time. Or maybe using the same phrase way too much, like after every sentence. Not every autistic person does that but it's a good indicator. It's kind of like verbal stimming.

Ohhhh thank you for the clarification! Okay, this doesn’t seem to apply in that case 

Paper said:

Stimming is more than just fidgeting, although it can look like fidgeting to other people. The classic example would be hand flapping, but there are a huge amount of things it could be, like rubbing your hands in the exact same way over and over, or stroking/pinching the same piece of skin, rocking backwards and forwards or any kind of repetitive motion or thing that stimulates yourself. It could be anything if it's always done the same way and repeated. Not all autistic people stim.

Yes, I do definitely stim (a lot). I typically rock back and forth, sway, rub my hands or fingers, flap my hands, tap my fingers together, and etc. I usually fidget by biting things or switching from stim to stim (hence why I don’t count that itself as stimming, because it is not repetitive). When overwhelmed it makes me feel like I can breathe after being underwater, when understimulated it feels like getting rid of lightning or ants in my body, and when bored or not feeling anything, it feels like a simple rightness with the world, and when I don’t stim when I need to, I feel worse emotionally, like I’m suffocating a part of myself. Idk if that makes sense at all, but that’s what it feels like to me

Paper said:

It sounds like you do have special interests. Although personally I don't think forgetting to go to the toilet when bingewatching a TV show should count, as these streaming shows are designed to be addictive and this is true for everyone. But you didn't say what other ones you had or I missed it.

Hmm… I don’t think I particularly have any unusual interests, unless you count rabies or archaic vampire folklore. I do deeply enjoy learning about them, but don’t usually buy things related to them because I hate spending money, and can get my information from the internet. I think I tend to have more hyperfixations rather than special interests, since most only last a week or two before I move on to something else, but there have been several that have lasted a month or even a year or two before fading

Paper said:

It's talking about changing from doing one thing to another. It does sound like you might struggle with this? Do you want to continue doing whatever you are doing and hate being interrupted or having to transition to a different task, or even get angry/annoyed about it? Do you like change?

Ahh… it depends honestly. Sometimes yes, even if I want to change tasks (like finishing work I hate, even though I’m tired, drained, and hungry, and I know I should take a break but I just can’t without an internal struggle until I really am too tired to do any more work for the day) but also sometimes no. Sometimes it’s like I can’t even pick a task to lock in on, I just jump from one thing to another trying to focus on it. And sometimes I am able to focus on something and then do something else, but that usually ends up with me not being able to pick up where I left off or struggling to do so. I usually get annoyed when people interrupt me on something I’m focused on, and even when not doing the task anymore I tend to internally monologue to myself about it and focus on it even when other people are interacting with me, and when I’m no longer interacting with it. And for change, it depends. I like change I can control. I’m either ambivalent towards, scared of, or frustrated with change I can’t control, depending on the type, the circumstances around it, and how much information I have regarding it

Paper said:

Signs of this in adults would be preferring to continually make minor alterations to the parts of something, rather than coming up with something from scratch. A difficulty/inability to come up with an "outline" for a written piece of work (again, preferring to just write down all the details and then refine it over time). You might overthink things or struggle to generalise. When doing a task, you might focus on one small aspect of it to the exclusion of everything else and lose sight of the bigger picture.

Ohhh that makes sense. Yes, I would say so, and that I am pretty detail oriented. I’ve never quite understood outlines and struggled to make them as opposed to full first, second, third, etc detailed drafts of a thing. I do definitely overthink things and I can generalize, but it takes conscious thinking to do so. I do get very pulled into the little details of a task or project, which makes it easy to be overwhelmed to the point that I can’t do it without help or significant emotional distress and extra effort. I’ve given up on a lot of things that way because my focus on detail overwhelms me to the point where I just.. can’t do it anymore

Anyways, thank you so much for responding!! This really cleared a lot of things up. I think most of this is probably adhd stuff, but I figured I’d try reaching out to autistic people to make sure. Thank you!

I think some of these might be the signs for children which is why you weren't sure what they mean. And some you have misunderstood (possibly taken too literally).

It sounds like you haven't really struggled with the social things all that much, but could be introverted. Obviously none of us can know whether you have autism. You might just have ADHD since you don't seem to hit all the criteria for autism particularly strongly. Sorry for the long post, I have gone over what some of these criteria are talking about.

NAS94371 said:

I’m not sure what they mean by “differences in body language” but I do tend to tiptoe walk when I don’t have shoes on (not for texture issues, simply because it feels natural and I like that my footsteps are quieter) and often have “dino arms” when my hands are not in pockets or holding things

When talking about body language they are referring to non-verbal communication, things such as how people (including yourself) sit, and what message it conveys. Do you use your hands much when talking and are you aware of how other people are moving and subconsciously understand what it means? The fact you weren't even aware of what this was asking might indicate you are lacking in these areas.

NAS94371 said:

I am pretty good at deciphering expressions within my immediate family, but there are still micro expressions that I struggle to understand, and I still overthink my answers, often unconsciously inputting a negative bias onto interactions and expressions

I don't think there would be any difference between your family and everyone else if you struggled with reading facial expressions. But it's not universal, autistic people can read facial expressions but might be worse at it. Have you ever upset or offended people and not realised because you missed the messages communicated by their face, shoulders, arms etc? There are also some tests you can do to see how good you are at interpreting emotions on people's faces.

NAS94371 said:

I do respond to my name when called unless there is other sensory input that I’m focusing on (or paying attention to my own thoughts more)

Yeah this one is more for children and you are unlikely to remember it yourself. When you were a very young kid did people ever call your name and you didn't respond? You may have been hyperfixated on something or not seen the need to reply.

NAS94371 said:

I don’t actually struggle with this. I enjoy imaginative play and psychology, so I’m usually pretty good at studying another person’s perspective and understanding them that way

I'm not sure if this is about imaginative play or understanding of theories in psychology (studied abstractly). As a diagnostic criteria it's more useful in children, because in very young autistic children they will fail tests to understand what another person has knowledge of. But even that isn't a reliable test, because autistic children with a high IQ will get it right, and beyond a certain age nobody struggles with it.

As an adult, it's likely that you will have some ability to imagine what someone else might be seeing or thinking, although how accurate that is is another matter. An autistic person might project themselves onto everyone, i.e. "if I was in this situation I would do/think this".

It's something that can be trained and improved, but an autistic person might forget to do it in day-to-day dealing with people unless specifically reminded/prompted. This is not narcissism, although it may look like it to casual observers. It has nothing to do with an inflated sense of self-worth or arrogance, in fact they might have a very low opinion of themselves and lacking in confidence.

I have an examples of this from my own life where I still don't understand what I did wrong but I just seem to lack the ability to cognitively imagine I am the other person so people tell me I've been rude, but I don't understand why.

Empathy in the brain happens in two ways, top down and bottom up. In the bottom up way, you basically feel the emotions of those around you (affective empathy) via mirror neurons. It's automatic and not something you can consciously control. For some autistic people they might feel that very strongly. In the top down way, you cognitively imagine and understand what someone might be feeling based on imagining what they must be thinking or feeling. That can be difficult, and some autistic people even struggle with it inside themselves, so struggle to read their own emotions - they just know they FEEL bad but struggle to describe it further or understand why.

NAS94371 said:

Unsure what they mean by unusual, but I don’t think this applies to me

It's usually things like talking in a monotone, not varying how you talk to convey additional meaning, or sounding like a machine. Or every sentence having the same repetitive tonal pattern or going up and down repeatedly (sing song), which can sound kind of radio voice, it's difficult to describe.

NAS94371 said:

Not usually difficult to make relationships with others, but I do have some difficulty maintaining them

It sounds like you have a lot of friends and relationships based on what you said in this section, but I don't know. When it's talking about difficult to make friends or maintain them, I think it means stuff like you barely or hardly ever had friends and never managed to keep them and don't even understand how a friend is made even if you wanted it.

NAS94371 said:

Internally, yes. Externally, no. I used to have a “word of the day” when I was younger that I would read and become fascinated with for the rest of the day, rolling the sounds and meaning around my mind. Even younger, I used to quietly make letter sounds until it felt right, simply because my thoughts—also being very visual and image oriented—also had running dialogue and certain letters sounded too soft in my head, so I’d repeat them until they sounded right. I still sometimes do that in the back of my throat, so no one hears. And I do tend to pick up words and phrases from other people and use them as my own for a while until I get bored of them or find something else that’s new and shiny to play with

Again this is mostly about children. It's called echolalia, and it's not done for any particular reason. It would just be like saying the same word over and over. Not just a word you are fascinated with, but actually repeating a word constantly for a period of time. Or maybe using the same phrase way too much, like after every sentence. Not every autistic person does that but it's a good indicator. It's kind of like verbal stimming.

NAS94371 said:

Yes, I definitely stim and fidget a lot. Not in a disruptive or overly noticeable way, but I do repetitively move a lot. Not to say I can’t sit still, but I just tend to wiggle a bunch

Stimming is more than just fidgeting, although it can look like fidgeting to other people. The classic example would be hand flapping, but there are a huge amount of things it could be, like rubbing your hands in the exact same way over and over, or stroking/pinching the same piece of skin, rocking backwards and forwards or any kind of repetitive motion or thing that stimulates yourself. It could be anything if it's always done the same way and repeated. Not all autistic people stim.

NAS94371 said:

Yes, definitely. To the point where it’s all I think about, to the point where I sometimes put off eating, drinking, hygiene, or using the bathroom when I need to. And often to the point where I’ll actually have dreams about my current fixation

It sounds like you do have special interests. Although personally I don't think forgetting to go to the toilet when bingewatching a TV show should count, as these streaming shows are designed to be addictive and this is true for everyone. But you didn't say what other ones you had or I missed it.

Special interests are usually fixed and intense and narrow in focus (often unusual and not a general hobby), at the exclusion of anything else, and provide a source of comfort.

E.g. a neurotypical person might love football and have an interest in it and be able to tell you some things about it, and watch it or play it regularly and even spend a lot of time on it - that is a hobby. Whereas an autistic person might have 200 books about football, every sticker in every sticker manual, know who won every tournament and what the score was, know who every player is on every team for decades, and spend hours re-reading stuff they already have read many times before or re-watching the same football matches they've seen loads of times just as a way to relax and deal with stress, and passionately tell people random obscure things about it which are not interesting to most people.

NAS94371 said:

I’m unsure about this. What kind of situations?

It's talking about changing from doing one thing to another. It does sound like you might struggle with this? Do you want to continue doing whatever you are doing and hate being interrupted or having to transition to a different task, or even get angry/annoyed about it? Do you like change?

NAS94371 said:

Unsure what this means but I don’t think it applies to me

This is another one that applies to studying children when they are playing. A neurotypical child will play with an object as a whole, e.g. pretending a car is a car, or a phone is a phone, and possibly involving other people in the play. An autistic child will focus on parts of the object, such as just the wheels of the car or how a particular part of it moves or functions, and examine that aspect of it intently without awareness of people around them.

This probably applies less to adults, although there may be ways it manifests. It's basically about being detail-oriented rather than seeing the big picture. Do you get very focused on the details?

Signs of this in adults would be preferring to continually make minor alterations to the parts of something, rather than coming up with something from scratch. A difficulty/inability to come up with an "outline" for a written piece of work (again, preferring to just write down all the details and then refine it over time). You might overthink things or struggle to generalise. When doing a task, you might focus on one small aspect of it to the exclusion of everything else and lose sight of the bigger picture.

None of us here are therapists (at least I don't think so) Get on to your GP about it so the process can start

I also took tests multiple times and I think it helps, sometimes questions are formulated a bit differently, or it’s hard to asses ourselves objectively or other factors, such as number of possible answers (more or less nuanced) my last result in AQ50 was 41, but varied between 40-45, also in RAADS I got 170. This test is really good and much detailed, because it differentiates the current state from your childhood, it’s also important because we change due to masking and not only, every person changes throughout the lifetime regardless of their neurotype. On one hand the tests may give some false result, on another hand they are really good screening tools, they also use questions that are used during the official assessment. 

Lmao don’t worry I am not offended!! Bullet points help me organize my thoughts rather than word vomiting everything out. Thank you for responding!

I actually have taken many online autism assessments, the RAADS and AQ50 being among them! I’ve taken them multiple times spaced about a week or 2 apart and in different moods so I can eliminate mood context from messing with my results. I’ve been getting pretty high results (120 to 147 on RAADS, I think I got 32 on AQ50) but I hesitate to put my faith in online assessments because they aren’t always reliable. 

I do have many interests, some of which change day to day or week to week, and some that change month to month or even last years. I remember as a child I cycled through 4 main interests—cats, dragons, Harry Potter, and mermaids, to the point where family members sometimes commented on my restricted interests. Nowadays my interests vary a bunch but I am still very enthralled by dragons and other such fantasy creatures. I’ve also been enjoying a new interest that’s lasted about a year now—Death Note. 

I think it depends on what I’m doing whether or not I forget everything when interacting with my interests. When I’m drawing (and enjoying it) yes, definitely. If I’m reading or binge watching my favorite shows, then yes. I often get cues from my body that tell me I should probably eat or go to the bathroom, but I ignore them in favor of my interest until all of a sudden those cues seem to hit me all at once and I physically cannot stay in one spot like I had been doing. That doesn’t happen often and I’m usually able to convince myself to move by making it fun (ie, saying “*insert character* would have a fit if I didn’t let myself go to the bathroom” or using the quick break from stimulus as a chance to daydream and analyze my interests) but sometimes I do genuinely forget the rest of the world exists and that I am a human person with physical needs and limitations 

Please don't be offended and I mean this in the most nicest way..but the fact you.typed all this and all the bullet points ..I have a hunch autism...I have a son who's autistic and after 24 yrs oi get a feel for it and I'm no professional.  You are coming across that way. Adhd ..well I do know two people with it and i myself also might be lol....I learnt recently with adhd it's common to like to speed in a car when driving and there are many things but with autism you can say that "once you've met one person with autism.. you've met one person with autism " meaning it's very individual..and that people don't always fit a stereo type however adhd maybe different..one thing I know about adhd.is that for example they will come to a conclusion abut something by taking information from different areas ie they watched a video on say cats and there gate in the garden may have been banging to and fro in the wind whilst watching said video ..maybe they had to go get milk from the store etc so what will happen is a.story will be constructed from all these events .. to the end of say for example ..cats have been causeing  the gate to.bang because they needing milk etc

Have you tried tests like AQ50 or RAADS? What you described may look like both, Autism and ADHD and it’s possible to have both combined in one brain. What about your interests? Do you have them? How many? Do you often change them or stick to them for long? Does it happen to you to forget everything when you are doing your favourite thing?  Like I for example, before I became mother, when I started some project on my pc, I forgot everything! Bathroom, food, drink… time… only when I finished my project I realised it’s 2am, everyone is sleeping and I’m actually hungry thirsty and need bathroom. Now it’s very rare occasion that I have time for myself so it didn’t happen to me for long time. Maybe few times when I was writing my previous sci fi story.