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Hello community

StepmomClare

Hi there,

My name is Clare and I moved in with my partner and his 23 year old aspergers son (R) two years ago.  His son was at university until July 2013 and things were pretty smooth up until this time, with him only being home during the holidays and spending most of thosse in his room.

I have no knowledge of aspergers, other than what my partner tells me which is usually tagged with a comment along the lines of 'he self-diagnosed and knew he was different'.  R's parents did not get an official diagnosis as it never affected R's education and they muddled along.  When R's parents separated his mother bought a house without a room for him and I hadn't realised that she found him so difficult to live with that this was her way of managing the situation.

I am struggling to manage on a day to day basis and would welcome advice and support.  R doesn't work, spends all day in his bedroom on his bed, he rarely showers or washes his hair, rarely washes his clothes and his bedroom wreeks of b/o.  Consequently I shut his bedroom door when he is not in as the smell is overpowering and today this has caused the most terrible row.  My partner feels I am unsupportive, I feel my partner does nothing to change the situation by way of giving routines to his son but he tells me he has spent a lifetime trying to do this and R just cannot see the point in washing etc.  

I am flummoxed and lost, we are arguing or barely talking and inbetween all of this are my two teenage children who live in the same house as us and I fear they will not want to be here too much longer if things carry on.

I really would welcome some advice from anyone out there in a similar situation.

Thanks for listening, already feeling better!

Parents

  • The fact he is not officially diagnosed does not mean that autism or asperger's does not apply.

    Lack of personal care can be an issue. For someone who may not be able to socialise effectively and is therefore isolated, social expectations of hygiene may not be uppermost. But also there are issues with executive function that might prevent him recognising the need.

    I was hoping to find something about it on the NAS webpages but it is not that easy. There is a page if you start with "Living with autism" top of home page, second item. Then click on "Understanding Behaviour" then scroll down to "Behaviour- Common Questions Answered" where you will find "My adult son doesn't like to wash himself, which is beginning to impact on social situations he is in".

    This will give a number of reasons why this happens. Not ideal, but quite common with autism/aspergers.

    There are books around, usually published by Jessica Kingsley Publishers, that give a better explanation than I can find on the NAS website.

    Be more understanding. Its not that easy to resolve.

Reply

  • The fact he is not officially diagnosed does not mean that autism or asperger's does not apply.

    Lack of personal care can be an issue. For someone who may not be able to socialise effectively and is therefore isolated, social expectations of hygiene may not be uppermost. But also there are issues with executive function that might prevent him recognising the need.

    I was hoping to find something about it on the NAS webpages but it is not that easy. There is a page if you start with "Living with autism" top of home page, second item. Then click on "Understanding Behaviour" then scroll down to "Behaviour- Common Questions Answered" where you will find "My adult son doesn't like to wash himself, which is beginning to impact on social situations he is in".

    This will give a number of reasons why this happens. Not ideal, but quite common with autism/aspergers.

    There are books around, usually published by Jessica Kingsley Publishers, that give a better explanation than I can find on the NAS website.

    Be more understanding. Its not that easy to resolve.

Children
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