Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there,
I'm new to the group and wanted to come here to ask about this as I think it might be an Autistic thing.
I've really messed up with a friend of mine (we're both on the spectrum). My grandfather passed away recently with us all at the bedside, and just the other day, my friend lost her grandfather too. However, while I didn't know her grandparents, it feels like her family weren't supporting him at the end...her parents were out at a dinner with friends, despite knowing her grandfather was unwell, and her grandmother was all alone with her grandfather when he died. And even though they live near each other, her grandmother told them by text. They really should have all been with her grandparents as we were with my grandfather, that's what families should do. I just thought all this was appalling, so when she texted me to say her grandfather had died, I told her that it was so wrong her grandmother was on her own with him and that she should go over to be with her. My friend got really upset by this and now isn't speaking to me. She claims that they're all very close and that they'd been in and out supporting her grandparents all the time, and that they hadn't known it was going to be that day, and I was 'judging how her family grieved'– that her grandparents had wanted things to go on as normal right up until the end of her grandfather's life, and that ideally her grandmother wanted to be alone with her grandfather at the end (to be honest, I wonder if that's even true, she's never told me that before). She said she was upset with me and didn't want to speak to me until after the funeral. Of course I'm so sorry to have upset her, especially with what she's going through, I feel so awful, and I did apologise, but I just think how her family treated her grandfather at the end of his life was really wrong, especially as my grandfather was so supported by us all, and I felt it was important to say that. Also I think it's a bit unfair she's said she doesn't want to talk to me for a few weeks, because I think we should be supporting each other as we've both just been through the same thing.
Please be honest, I can take it!
Thank you.
the truth hurts, your friend can probably see that her family wasnt there for the grandparents thats why she started making excuses... all that stuff about wanting life to be normal and about how they grieve and all that stuff... thats all excuses.... excuses which tells me she knows in her mind your right about that and they wasnt there as much as they should have been and is now making excuses and denying it to make her feel better about it.it probably is better to back down from the subject though as it will be sensitive and that truth can make her feel guilt even more than she may already do and perhaps she is trying to smother the guilt she feels.
From reading the post I think it sounds like the friend and her family were there for the grandparents, that they lived nearby and were going in and out of the house to support them? Just because they weren't there at the moment of death, it doesn't mean that they weren't there while OP's friend's grandfather was alive.
And in my opinion, it's not for us to comment on how other families operate unless there's abuse going on and someone needs to be helped, and there is absolutely nothing here whatsoever to suggest that that was the case in this situation. Whilst I acknowledge that OP's own grief may be playing a part, their friend is Autistic too and grieving. Let's not be cruel or judgemental or think the worst, especially regarding a grieving fellow Autistic person who we don't even know.