Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there,
I'm new to the group and wanted to come here to ask about this as I think it might be an Autistic thing.
I've really messed up with a friend of mine (we're both on the spectrum). My grandfather passed away recently with us all at the bedside, and just the other day, my friend lost her grandfather too. However, while I didn't know her grandparents, it feels like her family weren't supporting him at the end...her parents were out at a dinner with friends, despite knowing her grandfather was unwell, and her grandmother was all alone with her grandfather when he died. And even though they live near each other, her grandmother told them by text. They really should have all been with her grandparents as we were with my grandfather, that's what families should do. I just thought all this was appalling, so when she texted me to say her grandfather had died, I told her that it was so wrong her grandmother was on her own with him and that she should go over to be with her. My friend got really upset by this and now isn't speaking to me. She claims that they're all very close and that they'd been in and out supporting her grandparents all the time, and that they hadn't known it was going to be that day, and I was 'judging how her family grieved'– that her grandparents had wanted things to go on as normal right up until the end of her grandfather's life, and that ideally her grandmother wanted to be alone with her grandfather at the end (to be honest, I wonder if that's even true, she's never told me that before). She said she was upset with me and didn't want to speak to me until after the funeral. Of course I'm so sorry to have upset her, especially with what she's going through, I feel so awful, and I did apologise, but I just think how her family treated her grandfather at the end of his life was really wrong, especially as my grandfather was so supported by us all, and I felt it was important to say that. Also I think it's a bit unfair she's said she doesn't want to talk to me for a few weeks, because I think we should be supporting each other as we've both just been through the same thing.
Please be honest, I can take it!
Thank you.
I’m sorry this has upset you. I can also understand why your friend seems to be upset by what you’ve said to her - because you are being very critical of both her and her whole family. You’re being quite judgmental. I get the impression that she loves her family and that they had their reasons for doing things in the way they did. of course you are entitled to your opinion but in a situation as sensitive as this I think it would have been better not to share your negative thoughts about your friends actions. She is grieving and so will be feeling extra sensitive and protective of her family. I would recommend that you send your friend a card apologising for anything you might have said that could have upset her at this very emotional time in her life. She is bound to be feeling quite upset and vulnerable so I’m sure she will appreciate a card that is compassionate in it’s wording. All families are different and we all grieve in our own way. What none of us needs is having friends being judgemental of us at a time when we are emotionally raw. So I think an apology is in order. I’m sure you didn’t mean to upset her but you obviously did. Maybe send her some flowers too - I’m sure she’d appreciate the gesture.