Looking for Advice - Toddler with Autism

Hi Donna

It's great that you are being so considerate towards your little cousin and family. Willingness to understand goes a long way. You will learn what works for him over time and that can only come with experience.

I am reply to you because your cousin sounds similar to how my son was as a toddler. I too was desperate to break down the barriers that autism seemed to placing on bonding with him. What worked for us was understanding communication. My son did want to communicate but he found spoken language very difficult and we needed to learn to pick up on non-verbal cues so that the pressure of processing spoken language was taken off him. We did the Hanen speech and language programme that was available to us through Speech Therapy. What is available to you and your family depends on where you live and how willing you are to fight for support. 

In reply to your questions: He is not ignoring you, although it may feel that way. He just finds it too difficult. Try to be non-verbal and join in with what he is doing, if he will allow it. Whatever he is doing, twirling, spinning, repeatedly moving toys -just get down on his level and join in. When he feels comfortable he will reach out to you. The trick is to be aware and receptive to the cues he is giving out. Don't compare him to his peers. If he lets you play alongside him then you are getting somewhere. Learning Makaton to back up spoken word will probably help too. This is not as daunting as it sounds - Mr Tumble on CBeebies uses this. It's a very logical communication system and gives that extra bit of visual support to what is being said. Remember it's like if we were trying to learn a foreign language - we may grasp a few words but the rest is a jumble of sounds. He may need the visual explanation to help him make sense of what is being said. If you have a difficulty understanding language it can be very scary. He is blundering through and has found what works for him. Spinning comforts him, that's why he does it. There is logic behind what can seem to us to be bizzare behavoiur. 

With my son we manipulated the environment so that he could only get his needs met if he communicated- whether that was through sign language or spoken, we didn't mind as long as he communicated with us. So his motivator was raisins (which he loved). I placed them out of reach and had 3 days of hell teaching him, in Makaton, "raisins please". From there we built up his vocabulary. When he started speaking we stopped signing. It worked, believe me. At the age of 3 he would only use 20 words and no-one else could understand him. He is now 9 and I can't shut him up! But if he could only sign I would still be satisfied because we want to reach out and understand because we care. 

As for the rest of your enquiry- he needs to spin, so reach a compromise as to when and where it's appropriate. A brilliant book about behaviour management is "The Incredible 5 Point Scale". He is doing what he does for a reason and when you understand why, and help him have understanding, it will go a long way to avoiding long-term problems.

As for leaving the house, again it will be a question of compromise. It is not good for him, or his family, to be socially isolated. It is unsustainable. You have to pick and choose your priorities. For instance, my son hates shopping, but if he is to be independent as an adult he has to learn to deal with it. So little and often when the pressure isn't too great so he learns to tolerate it is what works for us. Taking a familiar toy or something that smells of home can be very comforting for a young child. He doesn't like leaving home because that is where he feels secure. The world is a scary, unpredictable place for him and that is why you see all these behaviours. 

As for food, there is a theory that any child will eat what they need long term. As long as he is eating the basics he will be ok. When he feels more secure then he will be willing to try new foods and experiences.

I can't emphasise enough that once you have communication with him the problems will decrease. There are brilliant tools available on the internet. Even if he can point at a picture to tell you what he is feeling, it will break through his isolation. Even cutting pictures from a magazine that he can point to may help you all at this stage.

I understand how daunting it must feel, but there is hope. You are doing all the right things. Take time to absorb what is happening to you all and be gentle on yourself. Diagnosis is a massive process to go through and can feel like a bereavement. 

I hope this is of some help to you. Your query resonated with me because I remember feeling just as you do. It will be ok. Take care Donna. If you have any other questions I'd be very happy to try to help.