Published on 12, July, 2020
Aged 60 without a diagnosis, but have always struggled to fit in, etc.. Recently retired earlier than I really wanted to as I couldn't adjust to constant changes to working environment.
Had an assessment for autism some years ago, but no positive diagnosis. Personally I think the jury is still out.
I know that I have constructed the person that I appear to be to others. So, for example, I make a positive effort to make eye contact in interview situations because I know it's "odd" not to. I've learned to make people laugh with my "odd" observational humour, so that, even if I'm not exactly accepted, at least I may be appreciated for that and not rejected outright. But for all my attempts to fit in, to me this all just highlights the difference to me. It feels fundamentally false: an elaborate lie, a constructed personality which allows me to simulate relationships. It's not really clear to me that I am a person that others can relate to in the conventional sense. It's obvious enough that people don't get out of me what they expect and my attempts to provide it cost me a lot. I and they get very little if anything lasting out of the exchange
On very rare occasions, a more genuine relationship may develop, but mostly I don't want that. My wife and child seem to "get" me most of the time and know that I need to be left alone a lot. I wouldn't be without them, but I think they know that I get on better with animals really!I'm not sure what life is going to be like for me without the routine of work. I relied a lot on that despite the problems of work relationships. Things aren't looking too good several months into retirement.
Hello Ian. That reads like my life experience, pre-diagnosis. Especially the bit about the family and animal relationships.
Actually, NO, all of it!
As for retirement, simply replace work with "missions" or "projects", replace work colleagues with the people you meet along the road to getting your projects done, and it's practically the same, but YOU are the boss.
Which is where it went wrong for me. It turns out I am lousy at ordering myself or other people to do stuff for me.
We are all trained from birth to take direction, and follow someone else's plan, and we were not given the training in self discipline or leadership like previous generations were, so the first few years of retirement were really difficult for me as I tried to adjust.
I've noticed that I'm not getting fitter, faster or stronger either, so that getting other people to do stuff, is a MAJOR useful trait as you get older.
Also there's lots of change which forces us to break old habits and ways of thinking, and that can be quite a "Downer" especially as whilst previous generations would learn from the elders, current generations have been trained to prefer the T.V. set..
Sad reality of life; guilty, as charged.