Possibly an imposter?

Aged 60 without a diagnosis, but have always struggled to fit in, etc.. Recently retired earlier than I really wanted to as I couldn't adjust to constant changes to working environment.

Had an assessment for autism some years ago, but no positive diagnosis. Personally I think the jury is still out.

I know that I have constructed the person that I appear to be to others. So, for example, I make a positive effort to make eye contact in interview situations because I know it's "odd" not to. I've learned to make people laugh with my "odd" observational humour, so that, even if I'm not exactly accepted, at least I may be appreciated for that and not rejected outright. But for all my attempts to fit in, to me this all just highlights the difference to me. It feels fundamentally false: an elaborate lie, a constructed personality which allows me to simulate relationships. It's not really clear to me that I am a person that others can relate to in the conventional sense. It's obvious enough that people don't get out of me what they expect and my attempts to provide it cost me a lot. I and they get very little if anything lasting out of the exchange

On very rare occasions, a more genuine relationship may develop, but mostly I don't want that. My wife and child seem to "get" me most of the time and know that I need to be left alone a lot. I wouldn't be without them, but I think they know that I get on better with animals really!

I'm not sure what life is going to be like for me without the routine of work. I relied a lot on that despite the problems of work relationships. Things aren't looking too good several months into retirement.