Tired of trying to be normal

Hi everyone, I am not sure what to write really, I am 43 years old and diagnosed with ADHD two years ago and am now fighting to get a diagnosis for Autism as the assessors lost my paperwork. 

I seem to find so many people with Autism that want to make friends and be more social when all I want is the opposite, I have spent all my life masking to try to fit in and be 'normal' and now I am so tired of being a billion other people I just want to be me, full on weirdness/eccentricity the works.

I don't care if people find me annoying, I don't care if people don't like my bluntness, I don't care if I am bought presents and say no thank you and it hurts their feelings because I think it time people started taking note of what I want and who I am.

I have had 3 real-life breakdowns to the point I no longer want to leave my home, the daily grind of life literally does my head in as people are either ignorant or rude and it's as if this shiny 'influencer' culture is taking over and I cannot get my head around people watching people on tv. Nobody has manners anymore, where are the 'excuse mes', 'thank yous' and the people who say please?

I literally feel like a one-woman island and I am happy to surround myself with shark-infested waters if it means I can be left alone.

But then put me online, behind a mic where I don't have to look at anybody or I can just close down a page or block someone and I am the most social person you know. (not an influencer i worked on radio, and won't do YT or this Tik Tok stuff) I don't want people looking at me and I cannot stand up in front of people and talk omg meltdown!

I do have a partner and how he puts up with me I don't know, but I am glad he does and I love him to the moon and back, I have a son who is 26 and he so has ADHD but won't admit it, and I have a Step-Daughter who is 14 and I am trying my hardest to make sure she is seen, heard and listened to as I was not, but I know my own 'issues' can keep me away from her at times because I really don't want her growing up like me but even more so not like her own mum who is horrid and my SD had to come to live with us via court order.

I am all in all a complicated being and really cannot find any other 'complicated' beings like me. So maybe I was hoping to find some here? I am not really sure, and that really sums up my life... not really sure lol